My apologies for starting to blog about my infertility journey and then just stopping. After the HSG, things just started spiraling down. It was one hit after the next. It probably would have been a good time to blog about how I was feeling, but sometimes when things get so dark I tend to crawl into a corner to hide.
So, where to start. This is sure to be a VERY long post with all that has happened in the past year. Let's just start with the HSG results. My OBGYN sent me for an HSG and my husband for a sperm analysis before she would start us on Clomid.
My HSG results were inconclusive. That's my term, not the words of the Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE) who performed my HSG. Let me explain. I was on day 5 of my cycle, so I was still partly bleeding. They don't like to do the HSG that early in the cycle, but since the RE is only at our office on Tuesdays it was either do it on day 5 or do it on day 12. My OBGYN said day 12 was too late to do it, so we went with day 5. (My OBGYN could not perform the HSG herself.) So, I met my RE, Dr. Bradford Bopp, for my HSG. I was really nervous. Even now, I can remember lots of crying that morning before my HSG. My husband was working and was meeting me at the outpatient surgery center where the test would be done. I got there around 4 pm. The test was at 4:30 pm. The RE likes to do them late in the day as he heads back down to his main office 2 hours away. I was nervous about having a male RE. I just never understood how a male could know more about the female body than I do. Anyhow, any reservations I had about him were gone the second I met him. He is simply wonderful. He walked me through every step of the HSG and talked to me about what we were seeing on the screen. I noticed that dye wasn't spilling out on both sides and I started to panic. I do the research and I know that one of those tubes is blocked! He pushed more dye, which was really uncomfortable as I recall, but it just spilled out the open side. He nearly immediately calmed me. He said that he was 95% certain that my tube wasn't blocked. He said that he pushed through a clot on my right side, and he was fairly certain a clot was blocking the entrance to my fallopian tube on the left side. He just couldn't 'bust' through because he couldn't get pressure built up to bust through, since the dye was all spilling out the right side. He could see something obstructing, and because I was at day 5 of my cycle and still bleeding, he was pretty confident that was just a clot and my tube is fine. He admitted he couldn't say with 100% certainty, but he was confident enough to tell my OBGYN to start the Clomid. If I wasn't pregnant in 3 months, he said we may want to repeat the test. He said he really did not like to do these tests that early in the cycle because of the clots that haven't dissolved yet. I told him that the following Tuesday was day 12 and I was told that would be too late. He said, usually yes, because they don't want to do anything to interfere with ovulation which occurs around day 14 for most women. I told him that I don't typically ovulate before day 25, to which he replied that day 12 would have been fine then for the HSG. (Just one of the FIRST things that showed me my OBGYN really didn't know much about all of this.) So I say the test was inconclusive, because there was not 100% certainty about my left tube.
Now onto my husband's sperm analysis. The thing about telling the story now is that we have been through so much on this struggle and I know now that I was dealing with a fairly incompetent OBGYN. At least when it comes to infertility and PCOS... and her nurses were even more infuriating! My husband had to go to the RE's fertility clinic for his sperm analysis, but they would not release the results to us since my OBGYN ordered the test. We had to wait a couple days for them to call us. My OBGYN called me personally, she didn't send one of her nurses to do it. She said there were concerns about my husband's sperm. She told me his sperm count was 17 million, which was just the very low side of normal. She never gave me numbers on his motility (speed/movement) or morphology (shape). She only gave me count numbers because I asked for them. She also mentioned his PH level was high, which meant that he could have had an inflammation/infection that was killing the sperm. She said that she would prescribe him an antibiotic and we would repeat the test in 2 weeks. Well, my husband could not take a day off work again for another test. The fertility clinic didn't have weekend or evening hours for sperm analysis. I explained to my OBGYN... well technically her nurses who passed it along. They were hesitant to have my husband go anywhere else because the parameters are different everywhere. Going to the hospital lab would likely show different results and it would be hard to compare them. I understood what she was saying, but we did not have any other options. So reluctantly, she ordered the sperm analysis done at the hospital lab. These results took much longer to get. However, my OBGYN called and said that everything was in normal ranges and we could proceed with Clomid.
This was frustrating because I wasn't monitored at all other than a progesterone test. Then, this progesterone test was like banging my head on a wall. The nurses were ADAMANT on me coming in on day 21 of my cycle for this test. I said, isn't it supposed to be done 7 days after ovulation? They said, yes, which is day 21. (Head. Banging. On. Wall.) I explained that was not true for me. They were so darn certain I ovulated on day 14. I use ovulation tests, I know (even on Clomid) that I don't ovulate that early. No way would a progesterone test be accurate then. The first round of Clomid didn't even work for me. On day 21, I hadn't even ovulated yet. FINALLY I proved my point to the dumb nurses.
So, the next 4 months:
Round 1 (March 2013): 50 mg Clomid days 5-9, and Estradiol (estrogen) days 10-21. Hubby and I had sex the day of my positive ovulation test but we discovered my husband couldn't have sex on back to back days. He couldn't 'finish' which is obviously the most important part. (Red flag beginning to go up in my head here...) Progesterone level at 7 days after ovulation was 8. The nurse tried to tell me I didn't ovulate at all. It's frustrating to know more than the nurses. I use ovulation kits, I chart my temp, I do everything but administer an ultrasound on myself... yes lady, I DID ovulate! I have read up, and anything over a 5 is usually ovulation of sorts, but if it isn't at least a 10 then it's a very weak ovulation with an immature egg. So don't tell me I didn't ovulate! I actually ovulated on day 25 like normal. (Can you tell these nurses had me FRUSTRATED) Needless to say... failed cycle.
Round 2 (April 2013): Dose increased to 100 mg Clomid days 5-9, and Estradiol (estrogen) days 10-21. Same issue with having sex every day around ovulation. So we only got in maybe twice somewhat close to ovulation. Progesterone level at 7 days after ovulation was 11.5... I don't quite remember. My OBGYN was happy with that number. I thought it was still low, even though I ovulated on day 20 this time which was my earliest ever. My OBGYN decided we would stick with that dose because it was working. Once again, not pregnant. However, my temps post ovulation were pretty rockstar. I know I was impressed! They were never that high, and I had pretty high hopes.
Round 3 (May 2013): 100 mg of Clomid days 5-7, and Estradiol days 10-21. Again, issues with sex. I know my husband was feeling the pressure of it all, but I still felt like there was just more to this issue. Progesterone level at 6 days after ovulation (because of the timing of it all, the office would be closed on 7 days after) was 10.5. I was devastated at that number, but my OBGYN was not overly concerned. She did finally agree to bump me to 150 mg IF the cycle wasn't a success. Well guess what, the cycle failed again. Not pregnant.
At this point I decided to take matters into my own hands. I was growing increasingly frustrated with my OBGYN and her nursing staff. She wasn't monitoring me at all. No day 3 tests, no ultrasounds... all these things that seem fairly standard on Clomid. All she was doing was bringing me in 'every other cycle' for a physical exam to make sure I didn't have ovulation hyper-stimulation syndrome. So, the fertility clinic offered a fertility test bundle that included day 3 estradiol, day 3 FSH, and a sperm analysis for $100. My insurance doesn't cover ANYTHING, so this was a deal for these 3 tests. We didn't need another sperm analysis, but the other 2 tests through my OBGYN likely would have been $100 each. So, at the beginning of my next cycle, I went to the fertility clinic without telling my OBGYN. I didn't need her to order the test, so I did it for my peace of mind. While the nurse was drawing my blood, we were talking about everything. I mentioned that my OBGYN wasn't even monitoring me on Clomid, that she just brought me in every other month for a physical exam to check for ovarian hyper-stimulation syndrome. The nurse looked at me puzzled. Well, now I know why. You can't know if a woman has OHSS just from a physical exam! You need an ultrasound! My OBGYN's physical exams were pointless. Just costing me an additional $100 each time. I also learned that my FSH levels and Estradiol levels on day 3 were normal. (SHEW, peace of mind restored) The nurse at the fertility clinic had also brought up my age (35 at the time) and how if we had already been trying for a year, we should have already scheduled an appointment with the Reproductive Endocrinologist. I explained that when I saw my OBGYN in June of 2012 that she wanted us to try naturally through the end of the year and follow up after the first of the year with her. When we followed up, she decided with my history to do an HSG test before we started trying Clomid. So basically, turns out, my OBGYN wasted a year of our time pretty much. She knew when I saw her in June that we had been trying for 4-5 months at that point. She should have done more then. That was the time for the HSG test and to get Clomid going. I should have been to the RE by the end of the year. (*insert MORE frustration with my OBGYN*)
After leaving the fertility clinic that day, I decided that I was scheduling an appointment with the RE in July. I scheduled the appointment for the week after I knew my cycle would end. That way if I DID get pregnant, I could still cancel. The emailed me a packet of paper work to fill out. Yeah, like 30 pages! It was INSANE!!!! However, I had a little over a month to finish it.
Round 4 (June 2013): 150 mg of Clomid days 5-7, and Estradiol days 10-21. Yup, still issues with having sex every day, but by now we were at least able to do it every other day and time it accordingly since we expected the issue. This was a cycle where she wanted an exam, so I came in at 4 days after ovulation. I told her I was ready to go to the RE now, if this cycle didn't work. She advised me to schedule because usually it takes 2 months to get in. She was advising to schedule now and we could continue Clomid until then. Then I told her I had already scheduled it and the appointment was in 2 weeks. All of a sudden, she decides we should do an ultrasound because I hadn't had one done. *facepalm* I was very skeptical because the ultrasounds are supposed to be done BEFORE you ovulate, not 4 days after. I am NOT stupid!!! However, I had never had one done and I was curious to see if I did ovulate... since the nurses liked to argue that point with me. If I would have know the ultrasound was going to cost me $500 I would have thought twice!!! (Nope, insurance wasn't paying) Anyhow, the ultrasound confirmed I ovulated and the corpus luteum was 17mm. That's a bit smaller than they would normally like, but it could have potentially shrunk from it's pre-ovulation size. Then I came back for my progesterone test. It was 6 days past ovulation, but I was leaving for vacation later that day. My progesterone was 13. Not terribly bad for doing the test early, and again they all thought it was a great number. I still felt like it was low. Then, the day we got back from vacation, Aunt Flow showed up and again the cycle was a failure.
I was so defeated, but I had the RE appointment to look forward to. I had scheduled it with the same RE who did my HSG test. I was scared he would want to repeat the HSG test and I really didn't want to figure out how I was coming up with $1,000 again. As it was, the RE appointment was $200. They asked for my husband to do a sperm analysis again so we would have current results. So they scheduled him at 11:30 am. Then we went to lunch and came back at 1 pm for our appointment. (Yes, they processed his results that quick!)
So we talked about a lot of things with Dr. Bopp. He even made my husband feel comfortable which was no easy feat! Then he told me we needed to up my Metformin ER to 1500 mg and I could stop taking the Pregnitude supplement I was trying because it wasn't really helping me. He told me that he could try Femara with me instead of Clomid. Women with PCOS do respond well to it. (He also did, indeed, confirm I have PCOS. No more doubts.) He said the problem was that the Femara was likely not going to get us pregnant. Then that's when the truth came. My husband's sperm were not very well off. 6 million count, only 14% motility, and morphology was 4%. (Low side of normal is 20 million count, 50% motility, and 5% morphology) I remember hardly being able to breath. I asked the doctor why it would have declined so much since the last test. He couldn't see the hospital sperm analysis results, but he had the first one that my OBGYN said was 17 million. He looked at us and said it was actually better than February's results. I was confused. He said that February was 4 million. I told him that the OBGYN said it was 17 million. He said no, he said that was the volume. Not the count. (Banging. Head. On. Wall. Again.) My OBGYN couldn't even read a sperm analysis result! 4 more months of time completely wasted because the chances of us conceiving with my husband's current sperm condition was extremely low.
At that point, he recommended we try IUI. I have also done extensive research on IUI. They like a postwash for 10 million for a chance at REAL success. How in the heck could my husband have anything close to that? He couldn't produce that prewash! Without knowing for sure, I am guessing my husband's problem with back to back days of sex is the fact he doesn't produce much semen in general. He had a very low volume. So when he couldn't 'finish' during sex, it was probably because he didn't have much to 'finish' with. It makes sense to me! I was panicking and trying my best to hold it together. I knew my husband's heart was breaking too. He knew how much this meant to me, to have a baby. He had also wrapped his head around it and was excited about it too. I am sure hearing that he was equally to blame for our issues was devastating to him. So at this point, I basically asked the RE if we should even bother with IUI or if we should cut straight to IVF. IUI seemed like a lost cause to me. He explained that yes, the odds were better with IVF. In my husband's case, they would recommend ICSI with IVF. This is where the insert one of his good sperm directly into one of my eggs to ensure fertilization. Regular IVF, they just kind of 'mix it all' together in a dish. My husband's sperm were bad enough off, that ICSI would provide higher success. However, the RE told us that he really wanted my husband to have a sperm wash done. Basically, they wash the sperm as they would before an IUI and see what kind of good guys they can get. That way, we could see if IUI was an option. My RE said they needed 1 million post wash to do IUI. I was still hopeless about this, but I figured this was much cheaper than just jumping to IVF.
We wrapped things up with the RE and the second I left the office, I crumbled. I couldn't hold the tears back anymore. I was beyond devastated. How would we come up with money for IVF? If we did come up with the money, there are no guarantees it will even work? I had so many thoughts going through my head. Then my husband asked me what I figured he was thinking. "Are you crying because of me?" After he asked that, I was almost hyperventilating I could barely breath, let alone talk. I was really, REALLY upset. When I could breath again, I told him no. I said I don't blame him. I said the appointment was devastating in general. The past year we had thought that my PCOS (and being overweight) was the only issue, then to find out that he has issues too. That the past 4 months of Clomid were just more time wasted. That his sperm was ALWAYS really bad from the first analysis, and my OBGYN was too big an idiot to know it. No, I didn't blame my husband and he wasn't the reason I was crying. I was crying because at that moment, I had no hope. None. I actually cried the rest of the day. I couldn't wrap my head around all of this. I stayed home from work again the next day, because I just couldn't face people. I couldn't bare the thought of running into a pregnant woman. Particularly, the pregnant woman at work who was always outside smoking. That just seemed like a cruel thing to witness so shortly after our news.
On my day off, I did some more research on the FertilAid supplements for men. The reviews seems too good to be true, so I was very skeptical. People were accusing them of paying people to write positive reviews because feedback was often at least 4 stars, if not 5 stars. However, I was desperate. It couldn't hurt to try. My husband wouldn't go to a Urologist because he is terrified of surgery, so really our options were gone. I asked my husband if he would take these supplements if I bought them. At this point, he felt so horrible I think he would have done anything. He agreed. So I ordered FertilAid for Men, CountBoost, and MotilityBoost. At this time they do not have any supplements for morphology. There isn't a lot of research about ways to correct morphology. When the supplements came, I bought an AM/PM pill box and filled them up for the week. We decided to leave them in the bathroom where he would see them and remember to take them. Once he started taking them, I decided to set up that Sperm Wash, but again the problem was my husband couldn't make the local clinics hours. Turns out the main office, 2 hours away, has Saturday appointments. So I scheduled the appointment for October 13th and we decided to just make a weekend of it. We would do the test Saturday morning and then go out that evening for dinner and haunted houses with some friends of ours. We wouldn't have the results right away anyhow. October 13th was just over 10 weeks after our RE appointment. The supplements said they needed at least 10 weeks to turn things around, since sperm takes that long to regenerate. He was pretty diligent on the supplements. He'd miss a dose here or there, but mostly he did good. He also SWORE he saw a noticeable change. His sex drive had increased, he said he was producing more sperm (he could tell), and we also noticed we weren't really having the issues with back to back days of sex. I was getting my hopes up that these supplements just might be working.
Well, I was right. Post wash, he had 8 or 9 million. His motility post wash was around 50%. Of course, his morphology was still 4%. All in all, things had improved and the RE and his nurses were super impressed. The nurse asked if my husband had changed anything since the last test. I said nope, just started taking the supplements. She didn't seem to believe the supplements could be responsible for such a turn around. Mind you, 8 or 9 million doesn't SOUND like a lot... but that was AFTER the wash. Before, my husband was only producing 6 million before the wash. Regardless, our odds were looking a lot better for IUI so we decided to proceed.
At the beginning of November I went in to begin my IUI. They did a day 3 ultrasound for my AFC. AFC is where they count the follicles on my ovaries to make sure I have a normal range. Usually PCOS women have a higher than normal range. I was just normal. 16 on my right ovary and 6-8 on my left ovary. She was having trouble with a finite count on that side. At my age (now 36), having anything over 20 was a good thing. I had 22-24 total. 30 or more total would have been more common with PCOS, so I am just not traditional PCOS I guess. That night, I started injecting myself with Follistim. First just 75iu for 5 days, then my first ultrasound. No growth of the follicles on my ultrasound. That knocked my head out of the clouds, but I guess it's normal as they figure out your dose. My RE increased me to 150IU and wanted me back again in 5 days. At that ultrasound, I had 2 follicles growing on my left and 1 follicle on my right. The largest was on my left. Again, I was wondering about my tube being blocked on the left because of the inconclusive results of the HSG. Anyhow, 3 follicles growing was good! So he kept me on the 150IU dose. The nurse thought he'd want me back in 2 days to check again, which was a Saturday. Nope, he said Monday. So of course, I am stressing about ovulating too soon. He upped my does... why does he want to wait so long when they've grown already. They needed to be around 20mm and currently the largest was 14mm. Oh well, had to stick with his judgment. I knew my trigger shot to induce ovulation was around the corner, so I was researching Ovridel which is the trigger he gave me. Much to my dismay, I found horrible articles about it. A renowned RE wrote a huge article on how Ovridel in it's pre-filled dosage was too weak. That using Pregnyl or basically any other trigger was much better than Ovridel. If Ovridel was to be used, the dose should always be doubled. Okay, now I am just LOOKING for something to go wrong!!!
Well, the Monday ultrasound came and sure enough! One follicle on my right (right took the lead after the last ultrasound when left was winning lol) at 21mm and one on my left at 18mm. The 3rd follicle stopped growing. However, 2 was still great they assured me. The nurse all but KNEW the trigger would be that night, but said she'd call after she spoke with Dr. Bopp. She did call and tonight was the night. They set up our insemination for 11 am on Wednesday, so I needed to take the Ovridel shot at 11 pm that night. That way there was 36 hours in between. My husband had to be in the office at 10 am to give his sample so they had time to wash it before the insemination. So we did all that and we were in high spirits after the insemination on Wednesday. His sperm were the best ever! His count before wash was 90 million!!!! *queue jaw drop* After wash, he had 26 million! His motility was around 70%, morphology was not yet determined because that took a couple days to see. Rockstar results, so to say we had very high hopes would be an understatement. How could this not work? It was short lived though. My temp did not spike on Thursday. In all rules of temp charting, my temp should have spiked Thursday morning to indicate ovulation did occur as planned. Nope. I start freaking out. Then Friday, my temp did go up, but not as much as it had when I was on Clomid. Saturday, my temp was up. So that means, I did not ovulate on Wednesday around the time of the IUI. The nurses knew NOTHING about temp charting, they basically admitted it was kind of a crap shoot. MOST women ovulated 36 hours after Ovridel was given, but some don't. Well, they couldn't confirm it... but I knew I was one of the few that didn't. I ovulated pretty late Thursday more than likely. So almost another 36 hours after insemination. We did have our 'backup sex' on Wednesday night as instructed, but we didn't bother on Thursday. Thursday was a long day for both of us. Then, of course, I needed a 7 days after ovulation progesterone test. The thing is, I KNOW I didn't ovulate on Wednesday, the day of the insemination. However, the nurses have to assume I did when they schedule the progesterone test. *sigh* They scheduled my progesterone test for Tuesday morning. By my counts, that is 6 days after ovulation, and one nurse was telling me I could come in on Monday for it! (5 days after ovulation by my count) I was not looking forward to this progesterone test. They called me the same day with the results. 8.5 So, they wanted to start me on progesterone supplements since it was low. I was a bit frustrated because they did my test a day early even by THEIR timing of when I ovulated. However, I KNOW I ovulated either late Thursday or early Friday, so my test should have been done on the following Thursday at the earliest! So, by my calculations, I had an 8.5 level on either 4 or 5 dpo. So chances are, my progesterone was fine and I didn't need those nasty vaginal progesterone supplements. However, if I was pregnant and my progesterone was low.. and I lost the baby just because I was set on proving the nurses wrong... well I just couldn't live with that. So, a friend of mine had sent me leftover Crinone suppositories that she had from when her RE weened her off them in her pregnancy. At least they didn't cost me a thing. They were horrible though. I hated it so much! Then, of course I had TONS of pregnancy symptoms all thanks to the trigger shot and the progesterone suppositories. However, one thing that wasn't right was my post ovulation temps. They were just low. Progesterone was supposed to make them higher. My confidence was dwindling. I knew it wasn't timed right. Everybody told me Aunt Flow wouldn't show up until I stopped the progesterone. My temps would stay up. So I had to test on 14 days after ovulation to confirm I was or wasn't pregnant. If I wasn't, I would have to stop the Progesterone to bring on Aunt Flow. WRONG!!! My temps started dropping WHILE I was on the progesterone. They were falling right when I figured they would, based on when I knew I ovulated. She showed up right on the 14th day after ovulation. I already knew I wasn't pregnant, but knowing it for sure was a special kind of hell. We spent $1500 on the IUI and $1700 on all of the Follistim and Ovridel for the cycle. $3,200 of our money down the drain. We easily spent $6,000 last year on all of the infertility tests, treatments, and appointments because insurance didn't cover it.
I have been in limbo ever since. The holidays have always been hard since my Dad died in 2010. Then add to it, the failed IUI with a side dose of SERIOUS family drama with my cousins. December 2013 may have been the worst month of my entire life. Eh, scrap 'may have' it WAS the worst month of my entire life. I haven't taken my metformin or my prenatal vitamins in a month, my husband hasn't touched his supplements in a month either. We both need to work at eating better and losing weight, and to say we have no motivation is an understatement. All I have done the past month is find a way to NOT deal with my infertility problems. I need to lose 30 lbs to do IVF. That's what the RE told me. However, I just don't know what I am losing it for. I started out with a lot of optimism about IVF. 3 of my forum buddies did IVF in the October/November/December months. All 3 had positive pregnancy tests! The first one was even going to send me all of her leftover Gonal-F for me to use for IUI or IVF. My RE said that was fine if I trusted her. She was saving me $3,000. She had gotten pregnant on her first IVF cycle and her insurance had paid for the meds anyhow. Well, as if December could NOT get any worse....... I learned on December 11th, that she miscarried at 8 weeks. No growth, no heartbeat. Nobody has heard from her since she shared the news. My heart was so broken for her, and all of my fears of IVF were back. It didn't matter than my other 2 friends had found IVF success (so far at least) and one was even having identical twins. All I could think about was how my one friend went through ALL of this, WAS pregnant, and still miscarried and lost it all. Miscarriage rates are higher in IVF, I know this. How do I feel about potentially spending $20,000-$30,000 on something that might not work? We'd have to finance, and that monthly payment would be a constant slap in the face that we blew money on something that only really had maybe a 28% chance of working for us.
Before somebody mentions adoption as an option... just know it's not an option for us. My husband has some false charges in his past that could or could not arise in the adoption process. We have no way of knowing. So getting invested into adoption and paying a bunch of money that won't be refunded, just to be told we couldn't adopt because of him........ well, I don't want to go there. He shouldn't have to be punished a second time for something he did NOT do. Without going into detail, just know that my husband's Dad really picked winner wives or step-monsters as I like to refer to them. My husband had bogus charges brought against him as a minor that had him in a juvenile detention facility for 2 years. It's not my place to post his business on my blog and he is still very much bothered by the whole thing. So bothered, he was never going to tell me about it. Then his cousin accidentally brought it up a month before our wedding. He thought I would leave him over it, that I wouldn't believe him. I know the person he is and I know his heart, I also know that sometimes common sense is a little lacking with him. He did not do what he was accused of by his evil step-monster, but it could possibly still be following him around. There is no way of knowing for sure, and it's a deal breaker for adoption. So, adoption is out of the picture.
So there is 2013 in review. I don't know what's next. I haven't really thought about it. Well, I have... but I am having trouble finding the will to care. If we can never have kids, it's too painful to think about the rest of my life without them. I love my husband and I love my family. I am not going to do anything stupid like kill myself... but there will always be a hole... an emptiness. It's not a reality I can easily accept. However, I am not sure I can put us SO far in debt on a small chance of our dream coming true.
Thursday, January 9, 2014
Monday, January 28, 2013
HSG test... YIKES!
I haven't been good about updating again... maybe that is a good thing? It would mean I am keeping myself distracted, or something like that.
As mentioned in my last post, I did have my follow up appointment with my OBGYN to see where we go next. She looked at my BBT chart and said that it does look like I am ovulating. I am getting positive ovulation predictor tests and a pretty solid rise in temperatures after ovulation. Her only concern was that my luteal phase (post-ovulation phase) is only 11 or 12 days long. I never really thought that was a problem because everything I read said that as long as it's 10 days you are fine. My OBGYN said she would prefer for it to be 14 days and anything less could indicate a luteal phase defect aka progesterone deficiency. I won't go into the specifics of what exactly that could mean, but basically it means that my body is not giving me enough time for pregnancy to happen. The progesterone falls off too soon and your uterine lining is shed... regardless of whether or not the egg was fertilized. This problem is often seen in PCOS women trying to have a baby. GOOD NEWS is it's FIXABLE! There are ways to supplement progesterone until the baby takes over.
So here is our game plan for the next few months:
HSG test for me and a sperm test for hubby. My HSG test is tomorrow because it has to be done before cycle day 10. Hubby's sperm test will be next Tuesday. If the HSG shows now problems in my uterus and that my fallopian tubes are all clear of blockage, and hubby's sperm test results are good, my OBGYN will call in a prescription for Clomid and I will start taking it at the beginning of my March cycle. Clomid should make me ovulate around cycle day 14, so my OBGYN wants me in for bloodwork on cycle day 21 to check for progesterone deficiency. It's a pretty standard test, but it has to be done 7 days after ovulation. Then we will know if my progesterone is a problem and she can start me on a progesterone supplement right then and there.
It's so nice to have a game plan! I also hear that there can be increased fertility after an HSG is performed. The dye they insert can 'clean out the cobwebs' as they say. It won't help with ovulation or anything like that... so saying 'increased fertility' is probably the wrong term. But BASICALLY if helps the little swimmers get to the egg without obstruction and THAT is what helps. From my understanding, something as simple as a bit of mucus can obstruct the tubes and keep the sperm and egg apart. It's not a full blockage and the dye being pushed up will generally clear it out. Sorry if that is TMI, but chances are it is not if you have read my blog this far. :-)
So now I just need to keep myself distracted for the next 24 hours until this scary 'be all end all' test is over! 24 hours from RIGHT now, I will be at the surgery center getting ready for the test. I will know by the end of the test if everything is clear and good... or if I have blocked tubes which will probably put an end to our baby efforts. In Vitro Fertilization (IVF) is too expensive to not promise results, so if my tubes are blocked and that is our only option... we will move on to adoption. Also expensive, but in the end you will have a beautiful child who is in need of a loving home. IVF cannot guarantee that.
This may just be the longest 24 hours of my life so far......................
As mentioned in my last post, I did have my follow up appointment with my OBGYN to see where we go next. She looked at my BBT chart and said that it does look like I am ovulating. I am getting positive ovulation predictor tests and a pretty solid rise in temperatures after ovulation. Her only concern was that my luteal phase (post-ovulation phase) is only 11 or 12 days long. I never really thought that was a problem because everything I read said that as long as it's 10 days you are fine. My OBGYN said she would prefer for it to be 14 days and anything less could indicate a luteal phase defect aka progesterone deficiency. I won't go into the specifics of what exactly that could mean, but basically it means that my body is not giving me enough time for pregnancy to happen. The progesterone falls off too soon and your uterine lining is shed... regardless of whether or not the egg was fertilized. This problem is often seen in PCOS women trying to have a baby. GOOD NEWS is it's FIXABLE! There are ways to supplement progesterone until the baby takes over.
So here is our game plan for the next few months:
HSG test for me and a sperm test for hubby. My HSG test is tomorrow because it has to be done before cycle day 10. Hubby's sperm test will be next Tuesday. If the HSG shows now problems in my uterus and that my fallopian tubes are all clear of blockage, and hubby's sperm test results are good, my OBGYN will call in a prescription for Clomid and I will start taking it at the beginning of my March cycle. Clomid should make me ovulate around cycle day 14, so my OBGYN wants me in for bloodwork on cycle day 21 to check for progesterone deficiency. It's a pretty standard test, but it has to be done 7 days after ovulation. Then we will know if my progesterone is a problem and she can start me on a progesterone supplement right then and there.
It's so nice to have a game plan! I also hear that there can be increased fertility after an HSG is performed. The dye they insert can 'clean out the cobwebs' as they say. It won't help with ovulation or anything like that... so saying 'increased fertility' is probably the wrong term. But BASICALLY if helps the little swimmers get to the egg without obstruction and THAT is what helps. From my understanding, something as simple as a bit of mucus can obstruct the tubes and keep the sperm and egg apart. It's not a full blockage and the dye being pushed up will generally clear it out. Sorry if that is TMI, but chances are it is not if you have read my blog this far. :-)
So now I just need to keep myself distracted for the next 24 hours until this scary 'be all end all' test is over! 24 hours from RIGHT now, I will be at the surgery center getting ready for the test. I will know by the end of the test if everything is clear and good... or if I have blocked tubes which will probably put an end to our baby efforts. In Vitro Fertilization (IVF) is too expensive to not promise results, so if my tubes are blocked and that is our only option... we will move on to adoption. Also expensive, but in the end you will have a beautiful child who is in need of a loving home. IVF cannot guarantee that.
This may just be the longest 24 hours of my life so far......................
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
New Year, New Me... and this is WHY!
Recently I came across a 'note' I made on Facebook back on January 1, 2010. So basically, 3 years ago. I wanted to share that note here.
Here it is:
*Being Old Facebook Note*
This is probably more of a me blog... so I don't think I will bother tagging people. Most of you probably won't be too interested!
Jillian Michaels recently put on her page the following:
"He who has a Why to live for can bear almost any How"- Nietzsche. So true. Weight loss is hard. So how do you tolerate the "how" of it? The answer, "Why" is weight loss worth it. Example: are skinny jeans worth passing on donuts? Is avoiding heart disease worth 30 min of exercise? With the new year upon us, mediate on your "Why". Then begin educating yourself & acting on the "How".
This actually really inspired me to think more about this whole weight loss thing. I have already done better than I thought I ever could, but realize that I COULD be doing more and that I SHOULD be doing more! So I was sitting around with my brothers last night and talking about things I want to do this summer and it was actually pretty inspiring to myself! Fun things, that would be much more enjoyable as a 'smaller' person. Things that before I lacked the confidence to do, or if I did them I was a bit embarrassed of myself. So this list is my "Why's" for weight loss. New Year, New ME!!! So, here I go! This will probably be a work in progress as I realize more "why's."
*No more being embarrassed or ashamed of myself!
*No more thinking that everybody (friends, family, relationships) deserves better than me or thinking "how can this guy really be into ME" when I am on a date or in a relationship, I want to love myself and be almost cocky in thinking "why WOULDN'T they be into ME!"
*Because I DO want to be able to have a child of my own, and right now my weight seems to cause issues that would make this nearly impossible!
*Because someday I do hope to find the man of my dreams and be able to let him love me! I want the dream most girls have when they are younger, I want to get married to the love of my life, have babies, and live happily ever after!
*Because I am TIRED of men who say "I like bigger women" like that is going to make me feel better about myself. Maybe they are trying, but it really doesn't help. Whether you like it or not, I don't! It doesn't make it okay that I am overweight, just because you like that and you telling me that doesn't make me feel better about it, it in fact makes me feel worse!
*Because I have ALWAYS, since I can remember, been overweight! I don't know what it's like NOT to be overweight! I want to know what it's like to be a smaller person! I WANT to be hit on regularly by men my age that I actually find attractive! I want to walk in a room and turn heads. That may sound like a very superficial 'why' but if you have been overweight you're entire life, you know what I mean! When you walk in the room, you're not noticed. The men aren't saying, "wow, look at her!" Whether it's a blessing or a curse, I still want to feel that at least once in my life!
*Because I want to get out of the shower or into a swimsuit and look in the mirror and NOT be extremely disgusted with myself!
*Because I WANT to ride a roller coaster again without being embarrassed when the shoulder bar won't buckle down over my chest! People claim when you lose weight, you lose some of the boobs too! So far I haven't, but here is to hoping! My goal is to go to Cedar Point this summer and have fun again, like I used to!
*Because I WANT to go to the beach or to a pool or a waterpark and wear my swimsuit without feeling I need to wear clothes over it. I want to feel free to have fun with my friends, nephews, or whomever I am with at the time, and not focus on what all the people there are thinking of me in swimwear!
*Because I want to actually LIKE shopping for clothes! I hate shopping for clothes now because NOTHING is cute in my size, and the things that 'try' to look cute, once they are on, really are NOT! Fat people clothes suck. There is no in between. Once you hit a certain size, EVERYTHING makes you look HORRID or like I am 30 years older than I am!
*This one might be TMI, but this is my list and I didn't make anybody read it! So if you're reading this, be warned! :-) I want to actually WANT to have sex again, and feel sexy, and actually enjoy it... not feel like some disgusting fat ass! Like the ones in the 'joke porn' on the internet, that guys are cracking up at... or become forwards/jokes on peoples cellphones. Most of you have seen them, the fat naked chick doing something sexual or sexy and acting like she's all that... but the actual forward is mean and degrading and makes everybody laugh. Because that is the girl I have always felt like when my clothes come off. Like I said... maybe TMI, but nobody HAD to come read my "why's," they are here to remind me whenever I feel like I can't do it, like I can't lose the weight. These are supposed to push me harder!
Alright, that's a good start! But I always need to remember my BIGGEST why of all!!! Because I want to LOVE and be happy with myself! That one is the most important!
So, always remember the unhappy person you WERE and the happy person you WANT to be... whenever you feel like you can't do it! You can do it, people are doing it everyday! You've come this far, you can see it through! 2010 is the year that you become the woman YOU have wanted to be for 32 years!
*End Old Facebook Note*
Little did I know the roller coaster that was ahead of me when I wrote this note. Things did not go as planned. My father fell ill and passed away which began a year of 'firsts' without him. Then I met my now husband and began long commutes to see him before I ended up moving in with him. Needless to say, my goal to lose more weight did not end up working out. Instead, I ended up gaining it all back and here I am 3 years later wondering HOW I let my life get so out of control. I worked so hard to lose the 80lbs I had lost... and I just let it all come back. Now I am paying for it. I want to get pregnant and have a baby ASAP, but I have a huge hurdle of weight I really need to lose. Reading this note now I realize I still have MANY of the same 'whys' that I had then. I was lucky enough to find my husband who loves me the way I am, so that has changed.
I have my fertility appointment with my OBGYN this Friday. As the day grows closer, I just feel kind of numb. I wanted to lose weight by now and if anything, I have gained. The 'trying to conceive' stress has really taken it's toll on me. All I can do is hope my OBGYN understands and that we can work towards this together. Maybe now that I am HERE and I know it's crucial to lose the weight, maybe I can actually get on that. I came down with a nasty flu bug and I am still not quite 100% yet. I need to get back to getting healthy before I implement any heavy duty exercise plan, but something has to get going now.
So hopefully revisiting my note from when I was succeeding at losing weight can help to inspire me to work at it again. *fingers crossed*
Here it is:
*Being Old Facebook Note*
This is probably more of a me blog... so I don't think I will bother tagging people. Most of you probably won't be too interested!
Jillian Michaels recently put on her page the following:
"He who has a Why to live for can bear almost any How"- Nietzsche. So true. Weight loss is hard. So how do you tolerate the "how" of it? The answer, "Why" is weight loss worth it. Example: are skinny jeans worth passing on donuts? Is avoiding heart disease worth 30 min of exercise? With the new year upon us, mediate on your "Why". Then begin educating yourself & acting on the "How".
This actually really inspired me to think more about this whole weight loss thing. I have already done better than I thought I ever could, but realize that I COULD be doing more and that I SHOULD be doing more! So I was sitting around with my brothers last night and talking about things I want to do this summer and it was actually pretty inspiring to myself! Fun things, that would be much more enjoyable as a 'smaller' person. Things that before I lacked the confidence to do, or if I did them I was a bit embarrassed of myself. So this list is my "Why's" for weight loss. New Year, New ME!!! So, here I go! This will probably be a work in progress as I realize more "why's."
*No more being embarrassed or ashamed of myself!
*No more thinking that everybody (friends, family, relationships) deserves better than me or thinking "how can this guy really be into ME" when I am on a date or in a relationship, I want to love myself and be almost cocky in thinking "why WOULDN'T they be into ME!"
*Because I DO want to be able to have a child of my own, and right now my weight seems to cause issues that would make this nearly impossible!
*Because someday I do hope to find the man of my dreams and be able to let him love me! I want the dream most girls have when they are younger, I want to get married to the love of my life, have babies, and live happily ever after!
*Because I am TIRED of men who say "I like bigger women" like that is going to make me feel better about myself. Maybe they are trying, but it really doesn't help. Whether you like it or not, I don't! It doesn't make it okay that I am overweight, just because you like that and you telling me that doesn't make me feel better about it, it in fact makes me feel worse!
*Because I have ALWAYS, since I can remember, been overweight! I don't know what it's like NOT to be overweight! I want to know what it's like to be a smaller person! I WANT to be hit on regularly by men my age that I actually find attractive! I want to walk in a room and turn heads. That may sound like a very superficial 'why' but if you have been overweight you're entire life, you know what I mean! When you walk in the room, you're not noticed. The men aren't saying, "wow, look at her!" Whether it's a blessing or a curse, I still want to feel that at least once in my life!
*Because I want to get out of the shower or into a swimsuit and look in the mirror and NOT be extremely disgusted with myself!
*Because I WANT to ride a roller coaster again without being embarrassed when the shoulder bar won't buckle down over my chest! People claim when you lose weight, you lose some of the boobs too! So far I haven't, but here is to hoping! My goal is to go to Cedar Point this summer and have fun again, like I used to!
*Because I WANT to go to the beach or to a pool or a waterpark and wear my swimsuit without feeling I need to wear clothes over it. I want to feel free to have fun with my friends, nephews, or whomever I am with at the time, and not focus on what all the people there are thinking of me in swimwear!
*Because I want to actually LIKE shopping for clothes! I hate shopping for clothes now because NOTHING is cute in my size, and the things that 'try' to look cute, once they are on, really are NOT! Fat people clothes suck. There is no in between. Once you hit a certain size, EVERYTHING makes you look HORRID or like I am 30 years older than I am!
*This one might be TMI, but this is my list and I didn't make anybody read it! So if you're reading this, be warned! :-) I want to actually WANT to have sex again, and feel sexy, and actually enjoy it... not feel like some disgusting fat ass! Like the ones in the 'joke porn' on the internet, that guys are cracking up at... or become forwards/jokes on peoples cellphones. Most of you have seen them, the fat naked chick doing something sexual or sexy and acting like she's all that... but the actual forward is mean and degrading and makes everybody laugh. Because that is the girl I have always felt like when my clothes come off. Like I said... maybe TMI, but nobody HAD to come read my "why's," they are here to remind me whenever I feel like I can't do it, like I can't lose the weight. These are supposed to push me harder!
Alright, that's a good start! But I always need to remember my BIGGEST why of all!!! Because I want to LOVE and be happy with myself! That one is the most important!
So, always remember the unhappy person you WERE and the happy person you WANT to be... whenever you feel like you can't do it! You can do it, people are doing it everyday! You've come this far, you can see it through! 2010 is the year that you become the woman YOU have wanted to be for 32 years!
*End Old Facebook Note*
Little did I know the roller coaster that was ahead of me when I wrote this note. Things did not go as planned. My father fell ill and passed away which began a year of 'firsts' without him. Then I met my now husband and began long commutes to see him before I ended up moving in with him. Needless to say, my goal to lose more weight did not end up working out. Instead, I ended up gaining it all back and here I am 3 years later wondering HOW I let my life get so out of control. I worked so hard to lose the 80lbs I had lost... and I just let it all come back. Now I am paying for it. I want to get pregnant and have a baby ASAP, but I have a huge hurdle of weight I really need to lose. Reading this note now I realize I still have MANY of the same 'whys' that I had then. I was lucky enough to find my husband who loves me the way I am, so that has changed.
I have my fertility appointment with my OBGYN this Friday. As the day grows closer, I just feel kind of numb. I wanted to lose weight by now and if anything, I have gained. The 'trying to conceive' stress has really taken it's toll on me. All I can do is hope my OBGYN understands and that we can work towards this together. Maybe now that I am HERE and I know it's crucial to lose the weight, maybe I can actually get on that. I came down with a nasty flu bug and I am still not quite 100% yet. I need to get back to getting healthy before I implement any heavy duty exercise plan, but something has to get going now.
So hopefully revisiting my note from when I was succeeding at losing weight can help to inspire me to work at it again. *fingers crossed*
Monday, December 3, 2012
Someone Else's Star
I am unsure why, but Bryan White's song, 'Someone Else's Star' popped into my head the other day. Maybe because it describes a little bit of what I am feeling lately in terms of trying to get pregnant. Just insert baby where it talks about love and the entire song fits. :-(
'I guess I must be wishing on someone else's star
it seems like someone else keeps getting what I'm wishing for.
Why can't I be as lucky as those other people are?
I guess I must be wishing on someone else's star.'
I keep seeing more and more birth announcements. While I was at Walmart on Saturday, I saw 2 different sets of twins. One set was with a mother who was more obese than I am, AND she had a 2-3 year old little girl with her as well. I think every day that goes by that I am still not pregnant, I begin to lose more and more hope. My heart just aches, and seeing all of these babies and these birth announcements just makes it worse. How can so many people get pregnant without issue and I cannot get pregnant at all.
I know that indirectly, it is a blessing to not have a chemical pregnancy or a miscarriage, but I cannot help but think that maybe if I had one of those at least then I would know I could get pregnant. Plus, time is ticking away. What if I still have to go through chemical pregnancies and/or miscarriage. Apparently it is fairly common to have this happen at least once. I am trying to 'hope' that maybe my luck in not getting pregnant means that when I do get pregnant I will carry a healthy baby to term. Of course, as I said before... my hope is dwindling down every day. I have always had a fear in the back of my head that I would never be able to get pregnant and have a baby of my own. This fear has been there as long as I can remember... at least since I was a teenager. For awhile, I had myself convinced it would never happen. Now I am afraid I was right and I do not know how to deal with that.
This is all wearing on my heart heavily. I feel that I am slipping back in to my old battle with depression. I cannot fall asleep at night, I do not want to get out of bed in the morning. I seem to care even less now about what I eat and losing weight. I just have no energy or motivation and I am desperate to find out how I can get that back. I have started smoking more again to cope with stress and I really just do not care like I used to. :-(
I hoped acupuncture would help, but it has been a month and no change I can see. Initially he said 5 weeks of treatment, and here we are. Am I just throwing my money away? I have my appointment with the OBGYN on January 4th and I really wanted to be pregnant before that appointment. I have one more shot and I doubt it will happen. I don't even take pregnancy tests anymore, they are too depressing. I really want to give this month the best 'try' possible, but I am guessing the hubby won't be up for it. With my long, unpredictable cycles... I would probably just wear him out completely.
I just wish I had somebody I could talk to about this that completely understands. Hubby doesn't understand. My family looks at me with pity. My hubby's cousin who I was able to talk to, well she just is not available anymore. I feel like I am inconveniencing her. Then there are the boards that I used to frequent. They are full of women who are more than willing to talk about it, but I find myself even more depressed as I see them come and go from the boards. From trying to conceive, to now pregnant... meanwhile I just sit and wait. Then the other ladies like me, most of them are dealing with chemical pregnancies/miscarriages. One of them has had 3 back-to-back chemical pregnancies. So reading about their troubles makes me even more terrified about getting pregnant. To work so hard for something to happen, only to lose it right away. How devastating. Needless to say, one visit per week to those boards is more than enough on both fronts. So, since I have nobody to talk to about it... I overwhelm myself and then to make myself feel better, I just let myself eat whatever I want or have a cigarette. Then I eat so terrible my joints ache and I am just tired, then I do not want to use the new elliptical I just purchased to exercise. It's a vicious cycle. I fear that I need to be on anti-depressants again, but those are bad when you are trying to have a baby.
I guess if I can just get through the next month and to my appointment on January 4th. Maybe I can find hope again. Until then... I guess I will just keep wishing on someone else's star and watch them all get what I want so badly. :-(
'I guess I must be wishing on someone else's star
it seems like someone else keeps getting what I'm wishing for.
Why can't I be as lucky as those other people are?
I guess I must be wishing on someone else's star.'
I keep seeing more and more birth announcements. While I was at Walmart on Saturday, I saw 2 different sets of twins. One set was with a mother who was more obese than I am, AND she had a 2-3 year old little girl with her as well. I think every day that goes by that I am still not pregnant, I begin to lose more and more hope. My heart just aches, and seeing all of these babies and these birth announcements just makes it worse. How can so many people get pregnant without issue and I cannot get pregnant at all.
I know that indirectly, it is a blessing to not have a chemical pregnancy or a miscarriage, but I cannot help but think that maybe if I had one of those at least then I would know I could get pregnant. Plus, time is ticking away. What if I still have to go through chemical pregnancies and/or miscarriage. Apparently it is fairly common to have this happen at least once. I am trying to 'hope' that maybe my luck in not getting pregnant means that when I do get pregnant I will carry a healthy baby to term. Of course, as I said before... my hope is dwindling down every day. I have always had a fear in the back of my head that I would never be able to get pregnant and have a baby of my own. This fear has been there as long as I can remember... at least since I was a teenager. For awhile, I had myself convinced it would never happen. Now I am afraid I was right and I do not know how to deal with that.
This is all wearing on my heart heavily. I feel that I am slipping back in to my old battle with depression. I cannot fall asleep at night, I do not want to get out of bed in the morning. I seem to care even less now about what I eat and losing weight. I just have no energy or motivation and I am desperate to find out how I can get that back. I have started smoking more again to cope with stress and I really just do not care like I used to. :-(
I hoped acupuncture would help, but it has been a month and no change I can see. Initially he said 5 weeks of treatment, and here we are. Am I just throwing my money away? I have my appointment with the OBGYN on January 4th and I really wanted to be pregnant before that appointment. I have one more shot and I doubt it will happen. I don't even take pregnancy tests anymore, they are too depressing. I really want to give this month the best 'try' possible, but I am guessing the hubby won't be up for it. With my long, unpredictable cycles... I would probably just wear him out completely.
I just wish I had somebody I could talk to about this that completely understands. Hubby doesn't understand. My family looks at me with pity. My hubby's cousin who I was able to talk to, well she just is not available anymore. I feel like I am inconveniencing her. Then there are the boards that I used to frequent. They are full of women who are more than willing to talk about it, but I find myself even more depressed as I see them come and go from the boards. From trying to conceive, to now pregnant... meanwhile I just sit and wait. Then the other ladies like me, most of them are dealing with chemical pregnancies/miscarriages. One of them has had 3 back-to-back chemical pregnancies. So reading about their troubles makes me even more terrified about getting pregnant. To work so hard for something to happen, only to lose it right away. How devastating. Needless to say, one visit per week to those boards is more than enough on both fronts. So, since I have nobody to talk to about it... I overwhelm myself and then to make myself feel better, I just let myself eat whatever I want or have a cigarette. Then I eat so terrible my joints ache and I am just tired, then I do not want to use the new elliptical I just purchased to exercise. It's a vicious cycle. I fear that I need to be on anti-depressants again, but those are bad when you are trying to have a baby.
I guess if I can just get through the next month and to my appointment on January 4th. Maybe I can find hope again. Until then... I guess I will just keep wishing on someone else's star and watch them all get what I want so badly. :-(
Monday, November 19, 2012
Still down and out
Well, that moment I was warned about has happened. The first newborn to be held since we started our trying to conceive journey. Actually, I held two in one day! I was unable to meet my cousin's baby boy when I visited her in the hospital on October 20th. Baby boy was in NICU after an emergency c-section. His lungs were not quite developed even though she was right at 38 weeks. So I did not get to meet him that day, I just sat and visited with her. Well, this past Friday, my other cousin gave birth to her baby girl. She ended up with preeclampsia and had to be induced. After close to 12 hours of labor and 2 hours of pushing, she ended up having to have an emergency c-section as well. Baby girl was fine. This past Saturday, my other cousin (the one with the baby boy) had a birthday party for her 6 year old. Hubby and I went, and it was my first time meeting baby boy. I got to hold him and cuddle him, he was so precious. I enjoyed every minute that he was in my arms. Hubby even held him for a minute. Maybe not even a minute... hahaha! He wanted to hold him, but once he was holding him he was very nervous. Hubby has not been around many babies. Then after the birthday party, we went to see my other cousin at the hospital and I got to hold baby girl for the first time. Again, a precious little angel... all I could do was just stare at how perfect she is. Both babies are just true miracles, and a miracle I just ache for.
At first I felt fine after seeing and holding the babies... or maybe it was just that I kept so busy I never gave it a second thought? Who knows? All I know is I was a grump yesterday. Everything was setting me off. I was so angry at times I could barely see straight and I could just feel pressure in my chest. Then last night, I could not fall asleep. I felt so anxious. Then this morning it all hit. I did not want to get out of bed, then when I finally did, I climbed in the shower and I just sobbed. Then I would scream a little, and then sob more. I want to be pregnant and have a healthy baby of my own so bad that my body just aches. I just ache. I am so tired of everything. I am so tired of all of the pregnancy announcements and pictures of my friend's and family's kids everywhere I look. It is not that I am not happy for them and the blessings they have received, it is just that it is a CONSTANT reminder of what may never be. It is like being repeatedly slapped in the face and one can only take so much of being kicked when they are already down. As if these feelings are not bad enough on there own... then the wretched thoughts crept into my head. The ones telling me that I am such a failure. That not having a baby is my own fault because I cannot get my weight and blood pressure under control. If I would stop eating so terribly and start working out regularly, then maybe I could get pregnant. Then I continue to tell myself that my weight and blood pressure is karma's way of telling me I will kill my own baby if I get pregnant now. Then I start thinking, what if I can never have a baby? Then... the worst thought yet... 'If I can never have a baby, why am I even on this earth? What is my purpose? How can I possibly live knowing I will never be able to have the one thing in this life I have wanted most.' The pain in that thought alone is almost too much to bear. Then instantly, I see my little nephews faces, then my older nieces... then of course my sister, mother, hubby, brothers....... and I just lose it. I know I have a lot of people who love me and I know it would kill them to know that these thoughts are very much in my head. I would never wish the pain of death upon them, especially death associated with suicide. So I guess if I am not meant to have a baby of my own, I will be forced to suffer for the rest of my life. I am sure I will find little happiness-es here and there, but my life will never be complete. Nothing will ever be able to fill that void that only a child of my own can fill.
Well... I suppose I better stop blogging and try to focus on work. My boss actually just walked by my office and asked if everything was okay. She said I just did not look well. Of course, it took EVERYTHING I HAD IN ME not to just break down into a puddle of crying goo... instead I just smiled and said 'Oh, I'm fine. I'm just really tired' and I smiled. Uggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
At first I felt fine after seeing and holding the babies... or maybe it was just that I kept so busy I never gave it a second thought? Who knows? All I know is I was a grump yesterday. Everything was setting me off. I was so angry at times I could barely see straight and I could just feel pressure in my chest. Then last night, I could not fall asleep. I felt so anxious. Then this morning it all hit. I did not want to get out of bed, then when I finally did, I climbed in the shower and I just sobbed. Then I would scream a little, and then sob more. I want to be pregnant and have a healthy baby of my own so bad that my body just aches. I just ache. I am so tired of everything. I am so tired of all of the pregnancy announcements and pictures of my friend's and family's kids everywhere I look. It is not that I am not happy for them and the blessings they have received, it is just that it is a CONSTANT reminder of what may never be. It is like being repeatedly slapped in the face and one can only take so much of being kicked when they are already down. As if these feelings are not bad enough on there own... then the wretched thoughts crept into my head. The ones telling me that I am such a failure. That not having a baby is my own fault because I cannot get my weight and blood pressure under control. If I would stop eating so terribly and start working out regularly, then maybe I could get pregnant. Then I continue to tell myself that my weight and blood pressure is karma's way of telling me I will kill my own baby if I get pregnant now. Then I start thinking, what if I can never have a baby? Then... the worst thought yet... 'If I can never have a baby, why am I even on this earth? What is my purpose? How can I possibly live knowing I will never be able to have the one thing in this life I have wanted most.' The pain in that thought alone is almost too much to bear. Then instantly, I see my little nephews faces, then my older nieces... then of course my sister, mother, hubby, brothers....... and I just lose it. I know I have a lot of people who love me and I know it would kill them to know that these thoughts are very much in my head. I would never wish the pain of death upon them, especially death associated with suicide. So I guess if I am not meant to have a baby of my own, I will be forced to suffer for the rest of my life. I am sure I will find little happiness-es here and there, but my life will never be complete. Nothing will ever be able to fill that void that only a child of my own can fill.
Well... I suppose I better stop blogging and try to focus on work. My boss actually just walked by my office and asked if everything was okay. She said I just did not look well. Of course, it took EVERYTHING I HAD IN ME not to just break down into a puddle of crying goo... instead I just smiled and said 'Oh, I'm fine. I'm just really tired' and I smiled. Uggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
Warning- Emo Post!
You have been warned, I am not having a very good day... or week... or anything right now. This blog may just be too annoyingly depressing for anybody to read, if anybody actually DOES read my blog.
I feel like I am officially sinking into a depression. I cannot stay committed to losing weight. I am just so tired all of the time which leads me to just not care. I am tired of being tired. I am also getting worried more every day that I will never get pregnant. I just wish SOMETHING could be easy for once. First the PCOS which I have been trying to treat, but now it is possible I could have adrenal fatigue and/or hypothyroidism as well. If I do, that is just another mark against me getting pregnant. At least until it is controlled. Meanwhile, I have to wait until January to 'find out.' My acupuncturist is helping me with some preliminary things to see if he can help, but without a true diagnosis I am not sure what he can do? Regardless, I have to wait until next Monday to talk to him more about it. I have absolutely no patience and I just cannot turn off the 'worry.' People say 'stop worrying' but how do you? I have never been able to just tell myself to stop worrying! I need reassurance before that can happen, and I have none. Now I am told, if I do have hypothyroidism I should not get pregnant until it is controlled or I could miscarry. What the heck am I supposed to do? I don't want to stop trying and 'wait' for somebody to help me fix it. I want to just FIX it and move on. So many people around me are getting pregnant. One guy friend of mine who just got married in August just found out his wife is pregnant with twins! Another friend is pregnant with twins! Old students of mine are pregnant. My cousins are pregnant. People in my 'trying to conceive groups' are pregnant! People that are my age or older are pregnant... people who are much more obese than I am, are pregnant. Everybody is flipping pregnant, but I'm not. I feel so alone right now. I don't feel like anybody understands how bad I want a baby and if another person tells me to stop stressing because that is probably why I am NOT pregnant... well, I think I might punch them.
I don't know how anybody can go through this repeatedly, month after month, year after year... and not go crazy. We have only been 'pulling out all of the stops' for trying to have a baby for almost 7 months now, and it is eating at me. It is making me depressed and bitter. I want to be happy for my loved ones that are expecting, but I just feel nothing. Sure, I say the rights things... what is expected of me to say... but I know how I feel on the inside and I don't like it.
The little things I 'should' be able to do, like lose weight and exercise, I just don't. I am so disappointed in myself, but I do not know how to get myself to stick with any of it. I am sitting here having a pity party for myself, yet everything is my fault. I am not pregnant yet because I can't make myself healthier. I am just too lazy. I can whine that I have no support... nobody to work out with, a hubby who always eats junk right in front of me... but truth is, it all boils down to me. I am responsible for my actions, and right now I am a complete failure.
I just want to know what is wrong with me. I want to lose weight, I want to work out... but I am just so tired. So exhausted. Which I guess translates to I am so lazy. Sometimes I just wonder why I don't just give up, then I remember the face of that baby girl in my dream I had months ago. The immense happiness and love I felt in that dream. I remember how badly I have always wanted a child of my own... ever since I was a little girl. How I always said, getting married was just an added bonus, but I wanted a child more than anything. This all still holds true. Then to see other people, so happy, sharing the pictures of their precious children. I know why I will never quit, but I am so tired and I am so scared I will never get the one thing I want most out of my life. My own precious little bundle of joy.
I feel like I am officially sinking into a depression. I cannot stay committed to losing weight. I am just so tired all of the time which leads me to just not care. I am tired of being tired. I am also getting worried more every day that I will never get pregnant. I just wish SOMETHING could be easy for once. First the PCOS which I have been trying to treat, but now it is possible I could have adrenal fatigue and/or hypothyroidism as well. If I do, that is just another mark against me getting pregnant. At least until it is controlled. Meanwhile, I have to wait until January to 'find out.' My acupuncturist is helping me with some preliminary things to see if he can help, but without a true diagnosis I am not sure what he can do? Regardless, I have to wait until next Monday to talk to him more about it. I have absolutely no patience and I just cannot turn off the 'worry.' People say 'stop worrying' but how do you? I have never been able to just tell myself to stop worrying! I need reassurance before that can happen, and I have none. Now I am told, if I do have hypothyroidism I should not get pregnant until it is controlled or I could miscarry. What the heck am I supposed to do? I don't want to stop trying and 'wait' for somebody to help me fix it. I want to just FIX it and move on. So many people around me are getting pregnant. One guy friend of mine who just got married in August just found out his wife is pregnant with twins! Another friend is pregnant with twins! Old students of mine are pregnant. My cousins are pregnant. People in my 'trying to conceive groups' are pregnant! People that are my age or older are pregnant... people who are much more obese than I am, are pregnant. Everybody is flipping pregnant, but I'm not. I feel so alone right now. I don't feel like anybody understands how bad I want a baby and if another person tells me to stop stressing because that is probably why I am NOT pregnant... well, I think I might punch them.
I don't know how anybody can go through this repeatedly, month after month, year after year... and not go crazy. We have only been 'pulling out all of the stops' for trying to have a baby for almost 7 months now, and it is eating at me. It is making me depressed and bitter. I want to be happy for my loved ones that are expecting, but I just feel nothing. Sure, I say the rights things... what is expected of me to say... but I know how I feel on the inside and I don't like it.
The little things I 'should' be able to do, like lose weight and exercise, I just don't. I am so disappointed in myself, but I do not know how to get myself to stick with any of it. I am sitting here having a pity party for myself, yet everything is my fault. I am not pregnant yet because I can't make myself healthier. I am just too lazy. I can whine that I have no support... nobody to work out with, a hubby who always eats junk right in front of me... but truth is, it all boils down to me. I am responsible for my actions, and right now I am a complete failure.
I just want to know what is wrong with me. I want to lose weight, I want to work out... but I am just so tired. So exhausted. Which I guess translates to I am so lazy. Sometimes I just wonder why I don't just give up, then I remember the face of that baby girl in my dream I had months ago. The immense happiness and love I felt in that dream. I remember how badly I have always wanted a child of my own... ever since I was a little girl. How I always said, getting married was just an added bonus, but I wanted a child more than anything. This all still holds true. Then to see other people, so happy, sharing the pictures of their precious children. I know why I will never quit, but I am so tired and I am so scared I will never get the one thing I want most out of my life. My own precious little bundle of joy.
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
84 days
I have named my post 84 days because that is how many days I have from today until January 1st. I am hoping this can put things into perspective for me. My weight loss journey has been pretty much non-existent and that has to change! I was off to a good start a few weeks ago, but then I re-injured my knee in a Zumba class and instead of resting... I went to a Piloxing class AND a Zumba class the following week and further injured it. I am still struggling with knee issues which lead to the return of my infamous lower back spasms. Those were so bad I could barely walk last Friday and had to go to an Urgent Care. Ugh! The back is still a little bothersome and so is the knee, but I cannot wait any longer to really start losing this weight.
January 1st is the day I have chosen because January is when my OBGYN wants to see me again if I am not pregnant. She wants to start the 'next steps' towards trying to get pregnant then. I am setting a realistic goal of 30 lbs by then. I feel that if I can lose at least 30 lbs I will be at a much better point than I am now. I just want to give myself the best possible chances if we need to go the Clomid/Femara route. Anything that can help me get pregnant faster and before more expensive treatments become the only options.
The knee and back issues are just another sign that this weight really needs to start coming off before I get pregnant. The issues I have now will only be aggravated by pregnancy. So 84 days it is! 84 days of trying to eat better and do some form of exercise regularly. The time is now and this Queen of Procrastination can afford to procrastinate no more!
January 1st is the day I have chosen because January is when my OBGYN wants to see me again if I am not pregnant. She wants to start the 'next steps' towards trying to get pregnant then. I am setting a realistic goal of 30 lbs by then. I feel that if I can lose at least 30 lbs I will be at a much better point than I am now. I just want to give myself the best possible chances if we need to go the Clomid/Femara route. Anything that can help me get pregnant faster and before more expensive treatments become the only options.
The knee and back issues are just another sign that this weight really needs to start coming off before I get pregnant. The issues I have now will only be aggravated by pregnancy. So 84 days it is! 84 days of trying to eat better and do some form of exercise regularly. The time is now and this Queen of Procrastination can afford to procrastinate no more!
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