Still down and out

Well, that moment I was warned about has happened. The first newborn to be held since we started our trying to conceive journey. Actually, I held two in one day! I was unable to meet my cousin's baby boy when I visited her in the hospital on October 20th. Baby boy was in NICU after an emergency c-section. His lungs were not quite developed even though she was right at 38 weeks. So I did not get to meet him that day, I just sat and visited with her. Well, this past Friday, my other cousin gave birth to her baby girl. She ended up with preeclampsia and had to be induced. After close to 12 hours of labor and 2 hours of pushing, she ended up having to have an emergency c-section as well. Baby girl was fine. This past Saturday, my other cousin (the one with the baby boy) had a birthday party for her 6 year old. Hubby and I went, and it was my first time meeting baby boy. I got to hold him and cuddle him, he was so precious. I enjoyed every minute that he was in my arms. Hubby even held him for a minute. Maybe not even a minute... hahaha! He wanted to hold him, but once he was holding him he was very nervous. Hubby has not been around many babies. Then after the birthday party, we went to see my other cousin at the hospital and I got to hold baby girl for the first time. Again, a precious little angel... all I could do was just stare at how perfect she is. Both babies are just true miracles, and a miracle I just ache for.

At first I felt fine after seeing and holding the babies... or maybe it was just that I kept so busy I never gave it a second thought? Who knows? All I know is I was a grump yesterday. Everything was setting me off. I was so angry at times I could barely see straight and I could just feel pressure in my chest. Then last night, I could not fall asleep. I felt so anxious. Then this morning it all hit. I did not want to get out of bed, then when I finally did, I climbed in the shower and I just sobbed. Then I would scream a little, and then sob more. I want to be pregnant and have a healthy baby of my own so bad that my body just aches. I just ache. I am so tired of everything. I am so tired of all of the pregnancy announcements and pictures of my friend's and family's kids everywhere I look. It is not that I am not happy for them and the blessings they have received, it is just that it is a CONSTANT reminder of what may never be. It is like being repeatedly slapped in the face and one can only take so much of being kicked when they are already down. As if these feelings are not bad enough on there own... then the wretched thoughts crept into my head. The ones telling me that I am such a failure. That not having a baby is my own fault because I cannot get my weight and blood pressure under control. If I would stop eating so terribly and start working out regularly, then maybe I could get pregnant. Then I continue to tell myself that my weight and blood pressure is karma's way of telling me I will kill my own baby if I get pregnant now. Then I start thinking, what if I can never have a baby? Then... the worst thought yet... 'If I can never have a baby, why am I even on this earth? What is my purpose? How can I possibly live knowing I will never be able to have the one thing in this life I have wanted most.' The pain in that thought alone is almost too much to bear. Then instantly, I see my little nephews faces, then my older nieces... then of course my sister, mother, hubby, brothers....... and I just lose it. I know I have a lot of people who love me and I know it would kill them to know that these thoughts are very much in my head. I would never wish the pain of death upon them, especially death associated with suicide. So I guess if I am not meant to have a baby of my own, I will be forced to suffer for the rest of my life. I am sure I will find little happiness-es here and there, but my life will never be complete. Nothing will ever be able to fill that void that only a child of my own can fill.

Well... I suppose I better stop blogging and try to focus on work. My boss actually just walked by my office and asked if everything was okay. She said I just did not look well. Of course, it took EVERYTHING I HAD IN ME not to just break down into a puddle of crying goo... instead I just smiled and said 'Oh, I'm fine. I'm just really tired' and I smiled. Uggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Warning- Emo Post!

You have been warned, I am not having a very good day... or week... or anything right now. This blog may just be too annoyingly depressing for anybody to read, if anybody actually DOES read my blog.

I feel like I am officially sinking into a depression. I cannot stay committed to losing weight. I am just so tired all of the time which leads me to just not care. I am tired of being tired. I am also getting worried more every day that I will never get pregnant. I just wish SOMETHING could be easy for once. First the PCOS which I have been trying to treat, but now it is possible I could have adrenal fatigue and/or hypothyroidism as well. If I do, that is just another mark against me getting pregnant. At least until it is controlled. Meanwhile, I have to wait until January to 'find out.' My acupuncturist is helping me with some preliminary things to see if he can help, but without a true diagnosis I am not sure what he can do? Regardless, I have to wait until next Monday to talk to him more about it. I have absolutely no patience and I just cannot turn off the 'worry.' People say 'stop worrying' but how do you? I have never been able to just tell myself to stop worrying! I need reassurance before that can happen, and I have none. Now I am told, if I do have hypothyroidism I should not get pregnant until it is controlled or I could miscarry. What the heck am I supposed to do? I don't want to stop trying and 'wait' for somebody to help me fix it. I want to just FIX it and move on. So many people around me are getting pregnant. One guy friend of mine who just got married in August just found out his wife is pregnant with twins! Another friend is pregnant with twins! Old students of mine are pregnant. My cousins are pregnant. People in my 'trying to conceive groups' are pregnant! People that are my age or older are pregnant... people who are much more obese than I am, are pregnant. Everybody is flipping pregnant, but I'm not. I feel so alone right now. I don't feel like anybody understands how bad I want a baby and if another person tells me to stop stressing because that is probably why I am NOT pregnant... well, I think I might punch them.

I don't know how anybody can go through this repeatedly, month after month, year after year... and not go crazy. We have only been 'pulling out all of the stops' for trying to have a baby for almost 7 months now, and it is eating at me. It is making me depressed and bitter. I want to be happy for my loved ones that are expecting, but I just feel nothing. Sure, I say the rights things... what is expected of me to say... but I know how I feel on the inside and I don't like it.

The little things I 'should' be able to do, like lose weight and exercise, I just don't. I am so disappointed in myself, but I do not know how to get myself to stick with any of it. I am sitting here having a pity party for myself, yet everything is my fault. I am not pregnant yet because I can't make myself healthier. I am just too lazy. I can whine that I have no support... nobody to work out with, a hubby who always eats junk right in front of me... but truth is, it all boils down to me. I am responsible for my actions, and right now I am a complete failure.

I just want to know what is wrong with me. I want to lose weight, I want to work out... but I am just so tired. So exhausted. Which I guess translates to I am so lazy. Sometimes I just wonder why I don't just give up, then I remember the face of that baby girl in my dream I had months ago. The immense happiness and love I felt in that dream. I remember how badly I have always wanted a child of my own... ever since I was a little girl. How I always said, getting married was just an added bonus, but I wanted a child more than anything. This all still holds true. Then to see other people, so happy, sharing the pictures of their precious children. I know why I will never quit, but I am so tired and I am so scared I will never get the one thing I want most out of my life. My own precious little bundle of joy.