I haven't been good about updating again... maybe that is a good thing? It would mean I am keeping myself distracted, or something like that.
As mentioned in my last post, I did have my follow up appointment with my OBGYN to see where we go next. She looked at my BBT chart and said that it does look like I am ovulating. I am getting positive ovulation predictor tests and a pretty solid rise in temperatures after ovulation. Her only concern was that my luteal phase (post-ovulation phase) is only 11 or 12 days long. I never really thought that was a problem because everything I read said that as long as it's 10 days you are fine. My OBGYN said she would prefer for it to be 14 days and anything less could indicate a luteal phase defect aka progesterone deficiency. I won't go into the specifics of what exactly that could mean, but basically it means that my body is not giving me enough time for pregnancy to happen. The progesterone falls off too soon and your uterine lining is shed... regardless of whether or not the egg was fertilized. This problem is often seen in PCOS women trying to have a baby. GOOD NEWS is it's FIXABLE! There are ways to supplement progesterone until the baby takes over.
So here is our game plan for the next few months:
HSG test for me and a sperm test for hubby. My HSG test is tomorrow because it has to be done before cycle day 10. Hubby's sperm test will be next Tuesday. If the HSG shows now problems in my uterus and that my fallopian tubes are all clear of blockage, and hubby's sperm test results are good, my OBGYN will call in a prescription for Clomid and I will start taking it at the beginning of my March cycle. Clomid should make me ovulate around cycle day 14, so my OBGYN wants me in for bloodwork on cycle day 21 to check for progesterone deficiency. It's a pretty standard test, but it has to be done 7 days after ovulation. Then we will know if my progesterone is a problem and she can start me on a progesterone supplement right then and there.
It's so nice to have a game plan! I also hear that there can be increased fertility after an HSG is performed. The dye they insert can 'clean out the cobwebs' as they say. It won't help with ovulation or anything like that... so saying 'increased fertility' is probably the wrong term. But BASICALLY if helps the little swimmers get to the egg without obstruction and THAT is what helps. From my understanding, something as simple as a bit of mucus can obstruct the tubes and keep the sperm and egg apart. It's not a full blockage and the dye being pushed up will generally clear it out. Sorry if that is TMI, but chances are it is not if you have read my blog this far. :-)
So now I just need to keep myself distracted for the next 24 hours until this scary 'be all end all' test is over! 24 hours from RIGHT now, I will be at the surgery center getting ready for the test. I will know by the end of the test if everything is clear and good... or if I have blocked tubes which will probably put an end to our baby efforts. In Vitro Fertilization (IVF) is too expensive to not promise results, so if my tubes are blocked and that is our only option... we will move on to adoption. Also expensive, but in the end you will have a beautiful child who is in need of a loving home. IVF cannot guarantee that.
This may just be the longest 24 hours of my life so far......................
Monday, January 28, 2013
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
New Year, New Me... and this is WHY!
Recently I came across a 'note' I made on Facebook back on January 1, 2010. So basically, 3 years ago. I wanted to share that note here.
Here it is:
*Being Old Facebook Note*
This is probably more of a me blog... so I don't think I will bother tagging people. Most of you probably won't be too interested!
Jillian Michaels recently put on her page the following:
"He who has a Why to live for can bear almost any How"- Nietzsche. So true. Weight loss is hard. So how do you tolerate the "how" of it? The answer, "Why" is weight loss worth it. Example: are skinny jeans worth passing on donuts? Is avoiding heart disease worth 30 min of exercise? With the new year upon us, mediate on your "Why". Then begin educating yourself & acting on the "How".
This actually really inspired me to think more about this whole weight loss thing. I have already done better than I thought I ever could, but realize that I COULD be doing more and that I SHOULD be doing more! So I was sitting around with my brothers last night and talking about things I want to do this summer and it was actually pretty inspiring to myself! Fun things, that would be much more enjoyable as a 'smaller' person. Things that before I lacked the confidence to do, or if I did them I was a bit embarrassed of myself. So this list is my "Why's" for weight loss. New Year, New ME!!! So, here I go! This will probably be a work in progress as I realize more "why's."
*No more being embarrassed or ashamed of myself!
*No more thinking that everybody (friends, family, relationships) deserves better than me or thinking "how can this guy really be into ME" when I am on a date or in a relationship, I want to love myself and be almost cocky in thinking "why WOULDN'T they be into ME!"
*Because I DO want to be able to have a child of my own, and right now my weight seems to cause issues that would make this nearly impossible!
*Because someday I do hope to find the man of my dreams and be able to let him love me! I want the dream most girls have when they are younger, I want to get married to the love of my life, have babies, and live happily ever after!
*Because I am TIRED of men who say "I like bigger women" like that is going to make me feel better about myself. Maybe they are trying, but it really doesn't help. Whether you like it or not, I don't! It doesn't make it okay that I am overweight, just because you like that and you telling me that doesn't make me feel better about it, it in fact makes me feel worse!
*Because I have ALWAYS, since I can remember, been overweight! I don't know what it's like NOT to be overweight! I want to know what it's like to be a smaller person! I WANT to be hit on regularly by men my age that I actually find attractive! I want to walk in a room and turn heads. That may sound like a very superficial 'why' but if you have been overweight you're entire life, you know what I mean! When you walk in the room, you're not noticed. The men aren't saying, "wow, look at her!" Whether it's a blessing or a curse, I still want to feel that at least once in my life!
*Because I want to get out of the shower or into a swimsuit and look in the mirror and NOT be extremely disgusted with myself!
*Because I WANT to ride a roller coaster again without being embarrassed when the shoulder bar won't buckle down over my chest! People claim when you lose weight, you lose some of the boobs too! So far I haven't, but here is to hoping! My goal is to go to Cedar Point this summer and have fun again, like I used to!
*Because I WANT to go to the beach or to a pool or a waterpark and wear my swimsuit without feeling I need to wear clothes over it. I want to feel free to have fun with my friends, nephews, or whomever I am with at the time, and not focus on what all the people there are thinking of me in swimwear!
*Because I want to actually LIKE shopping for clothes! I hate shopping for clothes now because NOTHING is cute in my size, and the things that 'try' to look cute, once they are on, really are NOT! Fat people clothes suck. There is no in between. Once you hit a certain size, EVERYTHING makes you look HORRID or like I am 30 years older than I am!
*This one might be TMI, but this is my list and I didn't make anybody read it! So if you're reading this, be warned! :-) I want to actually WANT to have sex again, and feel sexy, and actually enjoy it... not feel like some disgusting fat ass! Like the ones in the 'joke porn' on the internet, that guys are cracking up at... or become forwards/jokes on peoples cellphones. Most of you have seen them, the fat naked chick doing something sexual or sexy and acting like she's all that... but the actual forward is mean and degrading and makes everybody laugh. Because that is the girl I have always felt like when my clothes come off. Like I said... maybe TMI, but nobody HAD to come read my "why's," they are here to remind me whenever I feel like I can't do it, like I can't lose the weight. These are supposed to push me harder!
Alright, that's a good start! But I always need to remember my BIGGEST why of all!!! Because I want to LOVE and be happy with myself! That one is the most important!
So, always remember the unhappy person you WERE and the happy person you WANT to be... whenever you feel like you can't do it! You can do it, people are doing it everyday! You've come this far, you can see it through! 2010 is the year that you become the woman YOU have wanted to be for 32 years!
*End Old Facebook Note*
Little did I know the roller coaster that was ahead of me when I wrote this note. Things did not go as planned. My father fell ill and passed away which began a year of 'firsts' without him. Then I met my now husband and began long commutes to see him before I ended up moving in with him. Needless to say, my goal to lose more weight did not end up working out. Instead, I ended up gaining it all back and here I am 3 years later wondering HOW I let my life get so out of control. I worked so hard to lose the 80lbs I had lost... and I just let it all come back. Now I am paying for it. I want to get pregnant and have a baby ASAP, but I have a huge hurdle of weight I really need to lose. Reading this note now I realize I still have MANY of the same 'whys' that I had then. I was lucky enough to find my husband who loves me the way I am, so that has changed.
I have my fertility appointment with my OBGYN this Friday. As the day grows closer, I just feel kind of numb. I wanted to lose weight by now and if anything, I have gained. The 'trying to conceive' stress has really taken it's toll on me. All I can do is hope my OBGYN understands and that we can work towards this together. Maybe now that I am HERE and I know it's crucial to lose the weight, maybe I can actually get on that. I came down with a nasty flu bug and I am still not quite 100% yet. I need to get back to getting healthy before I implement any heavy duty exercise plan, but something has to get going now.
So hopefully revisiting my note from when I was succeeding at losing weight can help to inspire me to work at it again. *fingers crossed*
Here it is:
*Being Old Facebook Note*
This is probably more of a me blog... so I don't think I will bother tagging people. Most of you probably won't be too interested!
Jillian Michaels recently put on her page the following:
"He who has a Why to live for can bear almost any How"- Nietzsche. So true. Weight loss is hard. So how do you tolerate the "how" of it? The answer, "Why" is weight loss worth it. Example: are skinny jeans worth passing on donuts? Is avoiding heart disease worth 30 min of exercise? With the new year upon us, mediate on your "Why". Then begin educating yourself & acting on the "How".
This actually really inspired me to think more about this whole weight loss thing. I have already done better than I thought I ever could, but realize that I COULD be doing more and that I SHOULD be doing more! So I was sitting around with my brothers last night and talking about things I want to do this summer and it was actually pretty inspiring to myself! Fun things, that would be much more enjoyable as a 'smaller' person. Things that before I lacked the confidence to do, or if I did them I was a bit embarrassed of myself. So this list is my "Why's" for weight loss. New Year, New ME!!! So, here I go! This will probably be a work in progress as I realize more "why's."
*No more being embarrassed or ashamed of myself!
*No more thinking that everybody (friends, family, relationships) deserves better than me or thinking "how can this guy really be into ME" when I am on a date or in a relationship, I want to love myself and be almost cocky in thinking "why WOULDN'T they be into ME!"
*Because I DO want to be able to have a child of my own, and right now my weight seems to cause issues that would make this nearly impossible!
*Because someday I do hope to find the man of my dreams and be able to let him love me! I want the dream most girls have when they are younger, I want to get married to the love of my life, have babies, and live happily ever after!
*Because I am TIRED of men who say "I like bigger women" like that is going to make me feel better about myself. Maybe they are trying, but it really doesn't help. Whether you like it or not, I don't! It doesn't make it okay that I am overweight, just because you like that and you telling me that doesn't make me feel better about it, it in fact makes me feel worse!
*Because I have ALWAYS, since I can remember, been overweight! I don't know what it's like NOT to be overweight! I want to know what it's like to be a smaller person! I WANT to be hit on regularly by men my age that I actually find attractive! I want to walk in a room and turn heads. That may sound like a very superficial 'why' but if you have been overweight you're entire life, you know what I mean! When you walk in the room, you're not noticed. The men aren't saying, "wow, look at her!" Whether it's a blessing or a curse, I still want to feel that at least once in my life!
*Because I want to get out of the shower or into a swimsuit and look in the mirror and NOT be extremely disgusted with myself!
*Because I WANT to ride a roller coaster again without being embarrassed when the shoulder bar won't buckle down over my chest! People claim when you lose weight, you lose some of the boobs too! So far I haven't, but here is to hoping! My goal is to go to Cedar Point this summer and have fun again, like I used to!
*Because I WANT to go to the beach or to a pool or a waterpark and wear my swimsuit without feeling I need to wear clothes over it. I want to feel free to have fun with my friends, nephews, or whomever I am with at the time, and not focus on what all the people there are thinking of me in swimwear!
*Because I want to actually LIKE shopping for clothes! I hate shopping for clothes now because NOTHING is cute in my size, and the things that 'try' to look cute, once they are on, really are NOT! Fat people clothes suck. There is no in between. Once you hit a certain size, EVERYTHING makes you look HORRID or like I am 30 years older than I am!
*This one might be TMI, but this is my list and I didn't make anybody read it! So if you're reading this, be warned! :-) I want to actually WANT to have sex again, and feel sexy, and actually enjoy it... not feel like some disgusting fat ass! Like the ones in the 'joke porn' on the internet, that guys are cracking up at... or become forwards/jokes on peoples cellphones. Most of you have seen them, the fat naked chick doing something sexual or sexy and acting like she's all that... but the actual forward is mean and degrading and makes everybody laugh. Because that is the girl I have always felt like when my clothes come off. Like I said... maybe TMI, but nobody HAD to come read my "why's," they are here to remind me whenever I feel like I can't do it, like I can't lose the weight. These are supposed to push me harder!
Alright, that's a good start! But I always need to remember my BIGGEST why of all!!! Because I want to LOVE and be happy with myself! That one is the most important!
So, always remember the unhappy person you WERE and the happy person you WANT to be... whenever you feel like you can't do it! You can do it, people are doing it everyday! You've come this far, you can see it through! 2010 is the year that you become the woman YOU have wanted to be for 32 years!
*End Old Facebook Note*
Little did I know the roller coaster that was ahead of me when I wrote this note. Things did not go as planned. My father fell ill and passed away which began a year of 'firsts' without him. Then I met my now husband and began long commutes to see him before I ended up moving in with him. Needless to say, my goal to lose more weight did not end up working out. Instead, I ended up gaining it all back and here I am 3 years later wondering HOW I let my life get so out of control. I worked so hard to lose the 80lbs I had lost... and I just let it all come back. Now I am paying for it. I want to get pregnant and have a baby ASAP, but I have a huge hurdle of weight I really need to lose. Reading this note now I realize I still have MANY of the same 'whys' that I had then. I was lucky enough to find my husband who loves me the way I am, so that has changed.
I have my fertility appointment with my OBGYN this Friday. As the day grows closer, I just feel kind of numb. I wanted to lose weight by now and if anything, I have gained. The 'trying to conceive' stress has really taken it's toll on me. All I can do is hope my OBGYN understands and that we can work towards this together. Maybe now that I am HERE and I know it's crucial to lose the weight, maybe I can actually get on that. I came down with a nasty flu bug and I am still not quite 100% yet. I need to get back to getting healthy before I implement any heavy duty exercise plan, but something has to get going now.
So hopefully revisiting my note from when I was succeeding at losing weight can help to inspire me to work at it again. *fingers crossed*
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