Someone Else's Star

I am unsure why, but Bryan White's song, 'Someone Else's Star' popped into my head the other day. Maybe because it describes a little bit of what I am feeling lately in terms of trying to get pregnant. Just insert baby where it talks about love and the entire song fits. :-(

'I guess I must be wishing on someone else's star
it seems like someone else keeps getting what I'm wishing for.
Why can't I be as lucky as those other people are?
I guess I must be wishing on someone else's star.'

I keep seeing more and more birth announcements. While I was at Walmart on Saturday, I saw 2 different sets of twins. One set was with a mother who was more obese than I am, AND she had a 2-3 year old little girl with her as well. I think every day that goes by that I am still not pregnant, I begin to lose more and more hope. My heart just aches, and seeing all of these babies and these birth announcements just makes it worse. How can so many people get pregnant without issue and I cannot get pregnant at all.

I know that indirectly, it is a blessing to not have a chemical pregnancy or a miscarriage, but I cannot help but think that maybe if I had one of those at least then I would know I could get pregnant. Plus, time is ticking away. What if I still have to go through chemical pregnancies and/or miscarriage. Apparently it is fairly common to have this happen at least once. I am trying to 'hope' that maybe my luck in not getting pregnant means that when I do get pregnant I will carry a healthy baby to term. Of course, as I said before... my hope is dwindling down every day. I have always had a fear in the back of my head that I would never be able to get pregnant and have a baby of my own. This fear has been there as long as I can remember... at least since I was a teenager. For awhile, I had myself convinced it would never happen. Now I am afraid I was right and I do not know how to deal with that.

This is all wearing on my heart heavily. I feel that I am slipping back in to my old battle with depression. I cannot fall asleep at night, I do not want to get out of bed in the morning. I seem to care even less now about what I eat and losing weight. I just have no energy or motivation and I am desperate to find out how I can get that back. I have started smoking more again to cope with stress and I really just do not care like I used to. :-(

I hoped acupuncture would help, but it has been a month and no change I can see. Initially he said 5 weeks of treatment, and here we are. Am I just throwing my money away? I have my appointment with the OBGYN on January 4th and I really wanted to be pregnant before that appointment. I have one more shot and I doubt it will happen. I don't even take pregnancy tests anymore, they are too depressing. I really want to give this month the best 'try' possible, but I am guessing the hubby won't be up for it. With my long, unpredictable cycles... I would probably just wear him out completely.

I just wish I had somebody I could talk to about this that completely understands. Hubby doesn't understand. My family looks at me with pity. My hubby's cousin who I was able to talk to, well she just is not available anymore. I feel like I am inconveniencing her. Then there are the boards that I used to frequent. They are full of women who are more than willing to talk about it, but I find myself even more depressed as I see them come and go from the boards. From trying to conceive, to now pregnant... meanwhile I just sit and wait. Then the other ladies like me, most of them are dealing with chemical pregnancies/miscarriages. One of them has had 3 back-to-back chemical pregnancies. So reading about their troubles makes me even more terrified about getting pregnant. To work so hard for something to happen, only to lose it right away. How devastating. Needless to say, one visit per week to those boards is more than enough on both fronts. So, since I have nobody to talk to about it... I overwhelm myself and then to make myself feel better, I just let myself eat whatever I want or have a cigarette. Then I eat so terrible my joints ache and I am just tired, then I do not want to use the new elliptical I just purchased to exercise. It's a vicious cycle. I fear that I need to be on anti-depressants again, but those are bad when you are trying to have a baby.

I guess if I can just get through the next month and to my appointment on January 4th. Maybe I can find hope again. Until then... I guess I will just keep wishing on someone else's star and watch them all get what I want so badly. :-(

Still down and out

Well, that moment I was warned about has happened. The first newborn to be held since we started our trying to conceive journey. Actually, I held two in one day! I was unable to meet my cousin's baby boy when I visited her in the hospital on October 20th. Baby boy was in NICU after an emergency c-section. His lungs were not quite developed even though she was right at 38 weeks. So I did not get to meet him that day, I just sat and visited with her. Well, this past Friday, my other cousin gave birth to her baby girl. She ended up with preeclampsia and had to be induced. After close to 12 hours of labor and 2 hours of pushing, she ended up having to have an emergency c-section as well. Baby girl was fine. This past Saturday, my other cousin (the one with the baby boy) had a birthday party for her 6 year old. Hubby and I went, and it was my first time meeting baby boy. I got to hold him and cuddle him, he was so precious. I enjoyed every minute that he was in my arms. Hubby even held him for a minute. Maybe not even a minute... hahaha! He wanted to hold him, but once he was holding him he was very nervous. Hubby has not been around many babies. Then after the birthday party, we went to see my other cousin at the hospital and I got to hold baby girl for the first time. Again, a precious little angel... all I could do was just stare at how perfect she is. Both babies are just true miracles, and a miracle I just ache for.

At first I felt fine after seeing and holding the babies... or maybe it was just that I kept so busy I never gave it a second thought? Who knows? All I know is I was a grump yesterday. Everything was setting me off. I was so angry at times I could barely see straight and I could just feel pressure in my chest. Then last night, I could not fall asleep. I felt so anxious. Then this morning it all hit. I did not want to get out of bed, then when I finally did, I climbed in the shower and I just sobbed. Then I would scream a little, and then sob more. I want to be pregnant and have a healthy baby of my own so bad that my body just aches. I just ache. I am so tired of everything. I am so tired of all of the pregnancy announcements and pictures of my friend's and family's kids everywhere I look. It is not that I am not happy for them and the blessings they have received, it is just that it is a CONSTANT reminder of what may never be. It is like being repeatedly slapped in the face and one can only take so much of being kicked when they are already down. As if these feelings are not bad enough on there own... then the wretched thoughts crept into my head. The ones telling me that I am such a failure. That not having a baby is my own fault because I cannot get my weight and blood pressure under control. If I would stop eating so terribly and start working out regularly, then maybe I could get pregnant. Then I continue to tell myself that my weight and blood pressure is karma's way of telling me I will kill my own baby if I get pregnant now. Then I start thinking, what if I can never have a baby? Then... the worst thought yet... 'If I can never have a baby, why am I even on this earth? What is my purpose? How can I possibly live knowing I will never be able to have the one thing in this life I have wanted most.' The pain in that thought alone is almost too much to bear. Then instantly, I see my little nephews faces, then my older nieces... then of course my sister, mother, hubby, brothers....... and I just lose it. I know I have a lot of people who love me and I know it would kill them to know that these thoughts are very much in my head. I would never wish the pain of death upon them, especially death associated with suicide. So I guess if I am not meant to have a baby of my own, I will be forced to suffer for the rest of my life. I am sure I will find little happiness-es here and there, but my life will never be complete. Nothing will ever be able to fill that void that only a child of my own can fill.

Well... I suppose I better stop blogging and try to focus on work. My boss actually just walked by my office and asked if everything was okay. She said I just did not look well. Of course, it took EVERYTHING I HAD IN ME not to just break down into a puddle of crying goo... instead I just smiled and said 'Oh, I'm fine. I'm just really tired' and I smiled. Uggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Warning- Emo Post!

You have been warned, I am not having a very good day... or week... or anything right now. This blog may just be too annoyingly depressing for anybody to read, if anybody actually DOES read my blog.

I feel like I am officially sinking into a depression. I cannot stay committed to losing weight. I am just so tired all of the time which leads me to just not care. I am tired of being tired. I am also getting worried more every day that I will never get pregnant. I just wish SOMETHING could be easy for once. First the PCOS which I have been trying to treat, but now it is possible I could have adrenal fatigue and/or hypothyroidism as well. If I do, that is just another mark against me getting pregnant. At least until it is controlled. Meanwhile, I have to wait until January to 'find out.' My acupuncturist is helping me with some preliminary things to see if he can help, but without a true diagnosis I am not sure what he can do? Regardless, I have to wait until next Monday to talk to him more about it. I have absolutely no patience and I just cannot turn off the 'worry.' People say 'stop worrying' but how do you? I have never been able to just tell myself to stop worrying! I need reassurance before that can happen, and I have none. Now I am told, if I do have hypothyroidism I should not get pregnant until it is controlled or I could miscarry. What the heck am I supposed to do? I don't want to stop trying and 'wait' for somebody to help me fix it. I want to just FIX it and move on. So many people around me are getting pregnant. One guy friend of mine who just got married in August just found out his wife is pregnant with twins! Another friend is pregnant with twins! Old students of mine are pregnant. My cousins are pregnant. People in my 'trying to conceive groups' are pregnant! People that are my age or older are pregnant... people who are much more obese than I am, are pregnant. Everybody is flipping pregnant, but I'm not. I feel so alone right now. I don't feel like anybody understands how bad I want a baby and if another person tells me to stop stressing because that is probably why I am NOT pregnant... well, I think I might punch them.

I don't know how anybody can go through this repeatedly, month after month, year after year... and not go crazy. We have only been 'pulling out all of the stops' for trying to have a baby for almost 7 months now, and it is eating at me. It is making me depressed and bitter. I want to be happy for my loved ones that are expecting, but I just feel nothing. Sure, I say the rights things... what is expected of me to say... but I know how I feel on the inside and I don't like it.

The little things I 'should' be able to do, like lose weight and exercise, I just don't. I am so disappointed in myself, but I do not know how to get myself to stick with any of it. I am sitting here having a pity party for myself, yet everything is my fault. I am not pregnant yet because I can't make myself healthier. I am just too lazy. I can whine that I have no support... nobody to work out with, a hubby who always eats junk right in front of me... but truth is, it all boils down to me. I am responsible for my actions, and right now I am a complete failure.

I just want to know what is wrong with me. I want to lose weight, I want to work out... but I am just so tired. So exhausted. Which I guess translates to I am so lazy. Sometimes I just wonder why I don't just give up, then I remember the face of that baby girl in my dream I had months ago. The immense happiness and love I felt in that dream. I remember how badly I have always wanted a child of my own... ever since I was a little girl. How I always said, getting married was just an added bonus, but I wanted a child more than anything. This all still holds true. Then to see other people, so happy, sharing the pictures of their precious children. I know why I will never quit, but I am so tired and I am so scared I will never get the one thing I want most out of my life. My own precious little bundle of joy.

84 days

I have named my post 84 days because that is how many days I have from today until January 1st. I am hoping this can put things into perspective for me. My weight loss journey has been pretty much non-existent and that has to change! I was off to a good start a few weeks ago, but then I re-injured my knee in a Zumba class and instead of resting... I went to a Piloxing class AND a Zumba class the following week and further injured it. I am still struggling with knee issues which lead to the return of my infamous lower back spasms. Those were so bad I could barely walk last Friday and had to go to an Urgent Care. Ugh! The back is still a little bothersome and so is the knee, but I cannot wait any longer to really start losing this weight.

January 1st is the day I have chosen because January is when my OBGYN wants to see me again if I am not pregnant. She wants to start the 'next steps' towards trying to get pregnant then. I am setting a realistic goal of 30 lbs by then. I feel that if I can lose at least 30 lbs I will be at a much better point than I am now. I just want to give myself the best possible chances if we need to go the Clomid/Femara route. Anything that can help me get pregnant faster and before more expensive treatments become the only options.

The knee and back issues are just another sign that this weight really needs to start coming off before I get pregnant. The issues I have now will only be aggravated by pregnancy. So 84 days it is! 84 days of trying to eat better and do some form of exercise regularly. The time is now and this Queen of Procrastination can afford to procrastinate no more!

I'm still around...

Well, this will be a quick post... I think?

I am getting so tired of all of the negative pregnancy tests and feeling like this is just never going to happen. I didn't think I could get to the point where I actually get resentful of other women's pregnancy announcements. Today, I did. I really do not like being that person. It is nothing against the women who got lucky, it is more about me liking myself even less. What is so wrong with me that I can't get pregnant? The only thing I can think of is my weight and I fail myself daily in losing it. I only do good on a diet when I am exercising... however, since I hurt my knee at Zumba 2 weeks ago, I haven't done anything. My knee still has a knot and it hurts to walk. It was making painful popping noises today. I cannot think of any exercise, other than swimming, that I can do with my knee like this. I don't have access to a pool. So I feel very discouraged all over again. Just 'eating right' is never enough for me... I need to see a calorie burn and KNOW how hard I worked for it. Only then do I find the willpower to pass up the high calorie dinner or sweet treat. Yes, it's dumb! However, after all this time I do know myself pretty well. I really need to figure out someway to exercise soon! If we have to pursue fertility testing in January, I need my weight to be at least 30lbs lighter! My OBGYN did not say that, but I do!

Anyhow, I guess I am just feeling defeated today. This knee injury is really bumming me out, then add to it being sick all weekend, and a negative pregnancy test this morning... well, I think I just want to crawl in bed and pull the covers over my head. *sigh*

Eating Low Amylose

Well, today starts my attempt at eating better by myself! I am not going to replace meals with shakes anymore, I am going to start being more aware of what I am eating in general. I have done research on diets that can help PCOS women lose weight and I stumbled upon the low amylose diet. It is very similar to the Atkins (low carb) diet. I am still trying to understand it all because there are very people who seem to view this diet very differently. Right now, I am not planning to track what I am eating and see if I still lose weight. I have read that if you are eating low or no amylose, you will still lose weight, not matter how much you eat. I am sure there has to be some sort of stipulation, but for now I am giving it a go. The first no brainer part of this diet is to stay away from the OBVIOUS high sugar foods! Ice Cream (CRY!), cakes, cupcakes, pies, soda, and I think you get the picture. As far as veggies, I am only eating 'above ground' veggies. No potatoes or carrots!!! Corn appears to be okay, which is good because it is one of my favorites. The majority of fruits are fine with the BIG exception of bananas. :-( I sooooo love bananas! The main rule with fruit is 'fresh or frozen' without sugars being added. Fruit juice for the most part is bad because of added sugars. I pretty much have to avoid grain products like the plague. No bread, no cereal, no wheat, rye, barley.... I think you get the picture. I am also to look at the labels CLOSELY and avoid simple sugar, high fructose corn syrup, and maltodextrin! Before this weekend, I did not even know what maltodextrin WAS!!! After grocery shopping yesterday, I realized the majority of my foods have this in it! If they don't, they have simple sugar or high fructose corn syrup.

Breakfast:
Kraft Lowfat Cottage Cheese (only one I could find without maltodextrin in ingredients)
Dannon Oikos Nonfat Strawberry Greek Yogurt (switching to Chobani after I get through what was in my fridge. Dannon has simple sugar and fructose!!! Chobani does not.)
1 Red Apple

Today in my lunch box I have the following ALL in their 'correct' proportions/servings:
1 Frigo lowfat string cheese
1 Frigo reduced fat colby jack cheese stick
4 cut-up celery sticks
1 individual pack of JIF on-the-go natural peanut butter (again, probably not a GREAT choice. Sugar is involved, but I have to get through what I have in the house.)
Cashews and raisins (made my own trail mix)
1 Red Apple
1 Dannon Oikos Nonfat Apricot Mango Greek Yogurt (see above note)
Cascadian Farms Organic Oats & Honey Granola (didn't have original box to see if this is a bad option, but I am guessing there is a chance it is! Using up what I have in the house for now.)
1 Fiber One 90-calorie chocolate brownie (not a great choice, but I have to use up what I have)
Sara Lee low sodium chicken breast (just slices, no bread to go with it!)

I am also using True Lemon packets to help sweeten my water. It really is no different than squeezing in a lemon, but better than nothing. Even using my Crystal Light Pure (with Stevia/Truvia) was not a good option. :-( I thought the Stevia/Truvia made it good, and it WOULD... if it did not also contain the DREADED Maltodextrin as well!!! *sigh*

My lunch box looks like it is filled with way more food than I should eat! It also contains my snacks as well. I like to eat a mid-morning snack and a mid-afternoon snack. I am really hoping I am doing this right, or at least getting the right idea! There are people who avoid Amylose altogether, but I am 'trying' to avoid it altogether with the assumption some is going to slip in to meals. I hope it helps! I am so lazy and I hate cooking or food prep. Processed foods and fast foods have been my best friends for FAR too long! Even my Healthy Choice or Weight Watchers meals are a bad idea! Pasta is BAD BAD BAD! Every food I really love is BAD BAD BAD! So now I must find new foods to love!


I also have purchased the OvaCue Fertility Monitor which I may have mentioned before, but I did breakdown and buy the vaginal sensor as well. It came in the mail and was not nearly as intimidating as I thought! I cannot start using the monitor until the second day of my next cycle, BUT the Pregnitude must be working because I ovulated 10 days sooner than I did last cycle! It was the earliest I have ovulated since January! That is a good start. :-) I also decided to 'try' FertilAid for women. I bought a one month supply. Basically it is the same as my prenatal vitamin, but it has 5 added supplements for fertility. I will replace my prenatal vitamins with this at the beginning of my next cycle. Then when I find out I am pregnant, I will switch back to regular prenatals since FerilAid is not recommended in pregnancy. That is why I am not starting them today, because I am HOPING for that positive pregnancy test! I don't have a 'good feeling' about getting pregnant this cycle, but I may as well start everything fresh when my new cycle begins. My breasts did start getting tender a LOT earlier than they normally do. They started with it a little bit on Saturday night, then have gradually gotten more tender since. Saturday was 2 days past ovulation, today is 4 days. My ovulation day was very obvious this cycle so I am not having doubts that I ovulated earlier. My temp also spiked up an additional .20 degrees this morning which is also not normal, but 4 days past ovulation seems too soon for implantation or for my chart to start showing triphasic signs. I guess only time will tell! I will probably test Sunday if I can hold out that long. :-) If I am not pregnant this cycle, I am okay with that. I am pretty excited to start using my new fertility monitor.

Until next time! :-)

Time flies...

Well, I guess I slacked off. It's been over a week since my last blog post, but I guess things got busy. Not much to report, but I have been in better spirits. The Pregnitude might be actually working! My Fertility Friend chart says that I might have ovulated last Thursday on CD11. That would be a 'normal' ovulation day if my cycles were 'normal.' I am still skeptical though and since I missed charting my temps this past weekend (I forgot my thermometer when we went to my sister's house), I am just not completely convinced. If I DID ovulate, then we pretty much missed our 'window' this month for conceiving a baby. I would expect a more gradual decrease in cycle length, so something else could be causing the higher temps I am currently having.

Also, I splurged last week and purchased an OvaCue Fertility Monitor that I will start using next cycle! I am excited to use it, the reviews are pretty encouraging. You are not supposed to start using it after CD5, so I was too late this month. Most women using it conceive within 3 months of using it. Very hopeful! I found one that was used only one cycle on eBay for about half the price of a new one. Hopefully it works!

I have done a little better as far as exercising goes. I got 3 days in last week, would have been 4 except I totally forgot my gym bag on Thursday. I am planning to go tonight unless my headache returns. The headaches I am getting lately are pretty wretched. I didn't go last night because of one. I woke up with the headache this morning, but one I had a cup of coffee it began to subside. My diet hasn't been great, but it could have been worse. So, I am trying to be better! *fingers crossed*

Yayee... Monday... and a better outlook!

Well, it's Monday. However, I think this blog might have a little more optimism. Hubby and I talked Saturday night and I think he is beginning to realize how important having a baby is to me. He said that he wasn't completely serious about not being willing to have fertility tests done. He said he doesn't like the idea, but if it came down to it he would probably do it. So that is a huge start! I also mentioned it would be a great birthday present to me if he would try to take his vitamins on a regular basis without me having to remind him. I guess all of this makes me sound like quite the controlling wife, maybe I am? However, I guess it is the reassurance I need that I am not going through this battle alone. I try not to make him listen to all my fears or the research I have found. I find other avenues to really 'talk' when the whole trying to conceive thing is really getting to me. I just need to know that he wants the same things I do and is willing to do whatever it takes. I am not asking him to read up on stuff. I am not asking him to change his diet or exercise. I am not asking him to take all of these supplements that I have read good things about. I am just simply asking him to take zinc and a multivitamin. Nothing too extreme. I just want to know that I am not forcing him to have a baby if he isn't ready. So, our talk this weekend made me feel better. To me, there would be no greater birthday gift than finding out we are pregnant. Timing won't allow me that news around my birthday, but it might allow for me to share the news with him on his birthday at the beginning of September. Here is to hoping!

We are scheduling a vacation to Riviera Maya, Mexico next June with my family. It is a vacation to celebrate my sister's marriage to her boyfriend of over 10 years. They are just going to go to a courthouse, but this vacation is a way for us to celebrate together. We are all going to book this Sunday, August 5th with Delta Vacations. We are also opting for trip insurance, especially since we are trying to have a baby. Knowing that if I am in my third trimester at the time of the trip, I won't be able to go... trip insurance is crucial!!! Maybe booking this vacation will HELP me get that positive on a pregnancy test. You know, the whole Murphy's Law philosophy. I can tell you, the only thing that will keep me from going on that trip will be a baby, and I will GLADLY cancel the trip for that!

Today, once again, I am really trying to stick to a diet. I have plans to go to the gym after work as well. Maybe having the reassurance that my hubby is truly on board and is willing to do what it takes will help me 'do what it takes.' So, here is to hoping! :-) *fingers crossed*

Another Day...

Well, the last time I posted (2 days ago), I did have a good diet day! I even went to the gym. However, I did not get the usual energy burst working out gives me. Instead, I was EXHAUSTED and sore. I just wanted to go to bed. I think now that maybe I was dehydrated. Yesterday the diet 'was' going well... mainly because I really wasn't that hungry and did not eat much most of the day. I didn't go to the gym, because I was feeling rough still. I guess I was making excuses. I really need to work on that and stay committed to my eating healthy and exercising routine. Maybe, had I ate more during the day, I would not have been starving when I got home. My dinner went way over my calories. Last night I was just too tired to care, that seemed to carry over to this morning. :-(

I cannot put into words how badly I want to conceive a baby of my own naturally, that should be enough of a desire to make me stick to a healthy eating and exercising routine... shouldn't it? However, it just hasn't been enough? Maybe I just need to change up my diet? I feel too lazy to make my IdealShape shakes in the morning. That sounds really bad, but getting everything ready for the blender and then having to clean everything up... it's a lot when I am groggy. Also, I have been varying the fruits and stuff I add to the mix, but I guess I have grown tired of it. A shame really, because the shakes DO fill me up and I DO get great nutrition from them. They don't taste bad... I just want something easy and good. Of course, then dinner will get complicated. If I do no shakes, then the prepared dinners (Weight Watchers, Healthy Choice, etc) that I do in the evening I will probably do for lunch. If I do them again at dinner, that is a LOT of sodium. Oy! Maybe I could still do a shake at lunch and that would be okay? One shake a day. I can make excuses until I am blue in the face, but I am only making them to myself. Truth is, I am just lazy! If I get my butt into the gym, the LAST thing I want to do coming home AFTER the gym is have to prepare a healthy dinner for myself. Vicious cycle of immense laziness... or maybe my depression and anxiety are creeping back.

Regardless, something has got to give! I want a baby! Losing weight is not a guarantee I will get pregnant, but it definitely needs to be done if I want a better chance. I need to erase the pointless thoughts from my mind. The thoughts that say 'What is the point? If you were meant to have a baby it wouldn't matter if you lose weight or not! Fat women get pregnant all the time! The chance of you losing weight and successfully getting pregnant are just the same as they are now!' THEN, the other voice creeps in... 'What if it isn't you with the problem? What if it is male factor infertility? How will we ever get pregnant then? My hubby has no interest in ever going to the doctor to have fertility tests ran. He just doesn't want a baby bad enough to do that.' After those thoughts hit my head... everything feels hopeless all over again. I have a male multi-vitamin and zinc that I bought for him to take since he eats very poorly, but getting him to take them regularly is like an act of God. All of these things just tell me that he just doesn't care. He isn't proactive. He wouldn't change his diet or begin to exercise, or take supplements if it meant that we could for sure have a baby then. It just doesn't mean as much to him. At least, that is what all of his actions show me and it breaks my heart. I love him, but his complete attitude towards the whole situation completely breaks my heart. I just wish for one second he could feel how bad I want this and how it eats at me. Until I can possibly make him understand that there is nothing more I want in this world, all I can do is try to take care of myself and pray that is enough. :-(

Here is to hope!

I have decided to start this blogging phenomenon in hopes of bringing myself some peace. So much has gone wrong that it is hard to believe something can go right anymore. I know is sounds like a pity party now, but here is to hoping that will change! I know things can go right, I just do not have faith in the fact they will.

I was recently married in April and the wedding was perfect and so was the honeymoon. That went right, although I worried all the way up to the wedding day that something would go wrong.  I could go into extreme detail of my life up until now in hopes of finding where it all went wrong and I stopped believing good things could happen to me... but that would take a lifetime! Instead, I will focus on how to fix life currently and think more positive.

What has brought me to blogging is my overwhelming desire to have a baby and the even more overwhelming fear it will never happen for me. I am going to be 35 years old next month, I have suspected (but not confirmed) PCOS, and I am significantly overweight. My husband tries to tell me I am not, but I think he is just being nice. At my lowest point of depression and anxiety back in 2006, I weighed 330lbs. I was recently out of a long term relationship. It just wasn't working and I left him. I had started to hate being a teacher. Working in Indianapolis Public Schools and MSD of Warren Township Schools had taken the love of teaching completely out of me. Sure I had the kids that I absolutely adored and at times would renew my faith in teaching... but for every kid that inspired me, there was another kid or administrator at my school that made my life a living hell. The last straw was having a principal at Stonybrook Middle School in MSD of Warren Township that was completely unsupportive and would yell at my in front of my students. He had no clue why I had disciplinary problems with kids in my class sizes of 60 or more middle school aged kids. It was horrible, and this teaching experience alone brought me to my breaking point. To the point I needed out immediately. I was so low almost everyday that I would consider the thought of driving my car into a pole just to be done with it. I did not care about anything and I could not think straight. I wanted out, but I did not know what I was going to do for a job if I quit. I had tried to find a new teaching job in northern Indiana, so I could be close to my family. I just could not find one. I knew that leaving in the middle of a school year would look terrible on a resume. I had taken the job at Stonybrook because the money was going to be good. It was a last minute thing. Being a year round school, I literally interviewed and was hired a week before school started in the summer. That should have been a sign right there. The fact the school had a different choir teacher almost every year for at least 5 years... it should have been a sign! I just couldn't see past the money. I learned fairly quickly that this wasn't the job for me. I started in July, but by Labor Day I was already sinking into a deep depression. This is when I really started to pack on the pounds and the scary thoughts were in my head. I felt like such a failure. Then add female health issues that needed treatment including freezing my cervix and a LEEP Biopsy... I was definitely at my breaking point. I was so homesick for my family and all I wanted to do was leave Indianapolis and never look back. So after reassurance from one of my best friends and my mother, I did just that. I moved back home in December 2006. I tried to find ANY sort of job for the next 3 months, but there was just nothing. Then the old liquor store I had worked at during college had a position open and they were able to get me back in. Within a year, I was managing my own location. The money wasn't what I was making teaching, but I was HAPPY! No more evil thoughts! I even began to lose some weight from working at in the store. I was no longer sedentary in my work place. After a couple years of not actively looking for a relationship, my age started creeping up on me. I knew that if I ever wanted to have a child, I needed to be looking for Mr. Right. I was already 32 years old at that time, and with my female health history there was no time like the present! In the fall of 2009, I started dieting and working out at the gym regularly. I was losing weight like a rock star, but without a personal trainer or even a workout buddy. When I started to gain my confidence back, I started using dating websites that I was referred to by my brother. I felt so good about myself and I WAS happy! I had a few dates that didn't really pan out, but I was still hopeful. I love almost 80lbs from September 2009 through March 2010. Then one of the worst things imaginable happened........

Easter 2010 was as awesome as any other holiday with my family at the lake. My Dad made sure eggs were colored with the grandkids, that there was an egg hunt, they had Easter baskets from the Easter bunny, and that there was a GREAT feast for us all to enjoy together. My Dad did all of this while not feeling good. He never let on just how bad he was feeling, not even to my Mom.
Of course, as usual... most of us had to work the next day and wanted to get home at a reasonable time. I, on the other hand, had met a guy that I did really like and he invited me over to watch a movie and play board games that evening. When I was getting ready to leave, my Dad just stared at me and told me how good I was looking and how stupid that boy would be not to want to be with me. He also told me how proud he was of me while he choked back tears. Little did I know those would be some of the last words I ever heard from my Dad. Not even 36 hours later, early Tuesday morning, April 6th, he started with delusional talk before starting with seizures. He had went to the family practice Mom was a nurse at on Monday, but they just diagnosed him with a Sinus Infection and an Ear Infection. He was prescribed meds, but he was just too tired to pick them up. He had apparently stopped for 4 naps on the 10 minute drive home from the Doctor's Office. Never once did he call anybody to pick up his meds for him. Instead, he just went home and went to bed. My Mom didn't know he didn't pick up his prescriptions until he woke up at 9 pm Monday night and told her about his drive home. She was frustrated because she could have picked up his meds for him. She wanted to take him to the hospital, but how do you convince a 400lb man that hates hospitals that he needs to go? By 4 am, he was talking crazy. Saying he needed to get his shows on and he needed to check the mail. Then he just wanted to lay down. By 6 am, Mom made the decision that she didn't care if he wanted to go to the hospital or not, he was going! She called 911. He was seizing so bad after they got him out of the park model at the lake that they ended up putting him in a medically induced coma. He couldn't be airlifted because of his size in combination with the weight of the staff needed to work on him, so they took him by ambulance. After a few days, we found out it was bacterial Meningitis, which with antibiotics is very treatable if caught early enough. We all lived at the hospital for the next few days waiting for him to wake up. The following week, I had to try to go back to work. It wasn't very successful. The only place I wanted to be was with my Dad, for when he woke up. Then on Wednesday, April 14th, my Mom called while I was at work and said that the neurologist requested to meet with us the following day, Thursday, April 15th. Of course we all had a feeling what that talk meant and I lost it right there in my store. Thank God my boss had decided to stay with me at my store that day. She immediately sent me home. She was going to drive me to the hospital (an hour plus drive) herself, but I told her I was fine. I really wasn't fine. Then on Thursday at the meeting with the neurologist, she told us that there was very little brain activity. She said it wasn't uncommon to have little brain activity when the patient is in a medically induced coma, but they only medicated him the first 2 days until they could stabilize him. They were unable to do an MRI because he could not be moved again to a facility with an open MRI and he wouldn't fit in a normal MRI. With an MRI, they would have known sooner that the damage was too great. Basically, she told us that without life support, he would not live but a matter of hours. I think that moment was the single worst moment of my life. All of a sudden I was filled with guilt of all the times Dad just wanted me to stay a little longer to hang out, but I 'had to go.' I was filled with all the thoughts on how I could have just been a better daughter. All things I am sure most people feel when losing a parent. I was 32 years old, I was NOT supposed to be losing my Dad! He was only 59!
We waited until my brother and my niece could get there. They were traveling from Illinois. Then after 7 pm that night, we took him off of life support. The nurses said it would be a matter of hours, but he held on until about 12:30 pm on Friday, August 16th. We are certain that was his willpower making sure that everybody had a chance to see him one last time. Most of us surrounded his bed as he took his last breaths and I am quite certain that this was the perfect way for us to honor a man who had devoted his life to his family. It was horrible, yet amazing all at once to see our family pull together like that for him.

The guy I had been seeing before Dad fell sick didn't work out. I guess it was too much too soon and he didn't know what to do for me. I get that. Everything happens for a reason. I met my husband a couple weeks later. I was happy on the outside, but on the inside I missed my father greatly. I felt lost again, like when I lived in Indianapolis. I didn't want to drive into trees or anything, because between my family and Jon (my husband), I was shown everyday I had something to live for. All the same, I still stopped taking care of myself. The weight all started to come back on until it was pretty much all back.

Today, 2 years and 3 months after my father's death, I weigh 315lbs. I have tried off and on to lose weight like I did before, but it just isn't easy anymore. I do not have as much free time. Before I was single, now I am married. I commute further to my job. A lot of things have changed, except my desire to have a child. I want that more than anything else. There is very little I wouldn't do to have a child of my own. I feel like it is my destiny. Sometimes I honestly feel like nobody on Earth could want to have a baby of their own more than me. In a more rational mind frame, I know that is not a fair assumption to make. I just know I want it so bad, and if I cannot have a baby I will be devastated. I will go back to that dark place where nothing matters anymore and my immense personal pain will make it hard to see things clearly. We have only been actively trying to have a baby since after our wedding in April, but I still just have a gut wrenching feeling I cannot shake, the feeling that I will never have a child of my own. For one reason or another, it just will not happen. I am doing about everything I can to make this happen naturally, but the weight needs to come off and that is the one thing I cannot get done. If I really feel I would do ANYTHING for a baby... why can't I just stick to a diet? It doesn't sound THAT complicated! I did it before. A baby SHOULD be motivation! Of course, knowing that there is no guarantee makes it lose motivation. Even if I lose 150lbs, there is absolutely NO guarantee I will get pregnant. Heck, infertility could be my hubby's problem and not mine for all we know. I can't make him change his eating habits or do medical things he doesn't want to do. This makes me feel like he doesn't care either way if we have a baby or not... and that hurts. Again though, without the 'facts,' it is not fair of me to presume. We have only been trying for 3 months. There is nothing to indicate problems on his end. My OBGYN told me that if we haven't conceived by January that we will start fertility workups and probably Clomid. Until then, she told me to take Pregnitude. There is a lot of success with Pregnitude in PCOS women. It helps them to ovulate regularly and improves overall egg quality in women. So, I am taking it. As far as I know, I am not as bad off as most PCOS women. I do ovulate on my own and have cycles on my own... just not as regularly as a woman without PCOS. I am also insulin resistant. Both of these things point to PCOS. Because I have not had the 'official' diagnosis handed down to me, sometimes I tell myself that maybe I really don't have it. It just feels better to think that way. For a woman that wants a baby of her own more than anything in the world, an official diagnosis of PCOS feels like a death sentence. So many women with PCOS cannot get pregnant and if they do, they have trouble sustaining the pregnancy and often miscarry. It's a huge mountain to climb and their are NO guarantees. If I do have PCOS, how can I use a baby as a reward to motivate me to get healthy? I should just want to get healthy for myself, and there is a part of me that does... but not enough of me I guess. I need a reward... something to motivate me! Before it was all about looking good and feeling good so that a man would want to date me. Trust me, THAT worked! It worked really well because I was convinced nobody I would want to date could love me at the weight I was. Typically at 315+ lbs, it's only men who have a fetish for large women that want you... and they don't want you to lose weight at all. It's not about health to them, it's about a fetish. That was not the kind of man I wanted. My husband met me when I was smaller, but loves me as I am. I have gained the weight back, but he still married me... and it wasn't about a fetish. That is great. He is definitely proof that good things can happen to me. However, now I cannot use the 'no man would want to date me' excuse to get healthy. It's out the window. I can't use the 'lose weight and you will have a baby' motivation because I know that it isn't necessarily true. So what is left to motivate me? My husband has no interest in eating anything close to healthy or working out. He is supportive of me trying to do so, but yet, by him not eating healthy or working out, he is indirectly NOT supportive. I have no team to help. Before I didn't need anybody, but now I just do. I want somebody who can hold me accountable without being a hypocrite! However, it is just not possible. My schedule won't really allow for it, unless it were my husband. So now it is down to a daily battle of 'am I going to be healthy today or not?' Most days, it is the latter. I spend more money than I would if I did eat healthy. I pay a monthly gym membership that just goes to waste because I rarely use it.

So, I have decided to blog in hopes that it will help me through the tough days and help me find a way to be healthy. I am not sure how it is going to do that, but I have read some pretty amazing blogs where it seems blogging has helped the people writing them. So, this blog will be my way to vent out all of the crap I keep inside. Looks like after this post I am already off to a good start!